This blog was written during my first week in Tanzania and
has to do with God, my heavenly Father. I am still wrestling through some of
this, but God has been faithful to use the brokenness that I am writing about
to minister to others. Be encouraged (and don’t worry about me)! 🙂
Dear Father,
I want to apologize for thinking that your love is dependent
on my performance. I want to ask forgiveness for allowing my fears to create
distance in our relationship. I have placed false perceptions and expectations
upon you, which have in turn caused me great hardship as I desperately seek in
vain to live up to lofty goals and ambitions instead of resting in your love. I
have a hard time because I cannot see you. I long to see your loving eyes and
feel your arms around me, rocking me to sleep. I want to hear your voice – really hear your voice – telling me of
your love, your heart, your plans, your true character. How do I enter into
this relationship in a way that brings you glory and fulfills me?
This year is about walking with you in an intimate relationship
and truly walking closer to your heart. Why do I let pressure from humans and
myself overtake that love? Why do I create drama in our relationship? Is all of
this imagined or do you really want to know my emotions and my heart? I long to
be fulfilled by you, yet I keep feeling like I am holding back or I will never
get to that place of really knowing you.
Can you still love me in my doubt? Can you still love me
when I am disobedient? Can you still love me when I don’t want to choose in to
what you are telling me to be a part of? Can you still love me when I forget
what you have done? Can you still love me when I feel like I am talking to air
and listening to air?
This last debrief absolutely wrecked me, God. My team was
switched. On my last night as a leader, I was put in a position where I had to
choose to uphold the organization I “work” for and probably didn’t handle it
the best way. I had to look at my hurting heart from being a leader. I had to
look at the fear I have been living under and letting people dictate how I
respond to your call. Now, I am in a place of seeking healing and living in
boldness, which seems like a paradox. To me, healing is quiet and boldness is
loud; how can I pursue both at the same time? Yet, I sense that I receive
healing through boldness and that SUCKS. All of this seems impossible and yet I
know that all things are possible for
you.
Beyond all else, I want to get beyond myself; beyond the me of it all. I want to really learn
more of your heart and have something to offer (YOU) to the nations and the
people around me. How can I have anything to say, pray, or speak when I am so
broken? As I told a fellow teammate, “I am busted up – broken bones, internal
bleeding, a messy pile of flesh.”
I have nothing left.
God, I need you. I am at the bottom of this thing called
life.
Your daughter, Summer
