I am currently being rescued.
It’s such a mystery how things can hit you. How revelations and truths just seem to resonate so deeply that it makes absolute sense. A common question I have been asked, “Why does God have you here? Why this? Why now?” For the first few months here I have continued to give different answers. Ones that seem to satisfy the person and even myself. Yet, each time I share one of those answers a subtle wave of wonder hits…. “Father, what actually are you doing with me here?” I have continued to ponder and felt restless with this question at different points the past few months.
I am going to get real with you here. Something I would not typically share, or even desire to talk about unless I am with those I trust. There is even doubt at my doorstep right now as I contemplate whether or not to allow my fingers to type these words. It is vulnerability that is about to escape me. Which I often desire to hold lock tight. Yet, I share this to lay a foundation of what God is doing right now in me and has been doing. This is my Jesus for you and His goodness to me.
The past 5 years of my life have been a beautiful disaster. About 5 years ago my Dad, abandoned my mom, brother, and I for another woman. We lost everything. Before I go further, I want to say that if you are reading this Dad, I love you man. I haven’t seen you in a few years. I forgive you. Do not live with the guilt of what you have done. Forgive yourself. No one is too far away from the Father. Again, I love you. In 1 Corinthians 13, it says, “love holds no record of wrong.” I am wild enough to believe that and live in that truth. It has taken me time to grasp that. If Jesus could say on the cross: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34) WHO AM I, not to forgive and love you. Who are any of us to not do so? This has taken me time to write.
We did lose everything. I struggle that first year of college as I lived with some of my favorite people on this earth (Matty and Tab). They were the first rescue for me. That year was one of the darkest years of my life. I was going to a small community college (Kevin you also play in this rescue. God gave me a brotherhood with you that I wouldn’t have survived without), working at a restaurant, and drowning myself in my room through a screen. I isolated myself from community. I essentially just lost my heart and myself. The beat of my heart contained a dying pulse. Matty, Tab, and Kevin were a consistent constant light for me that year. They were there through my brokenness and crisis. They were my consistent life support that year and still are.
After that first year of school, I decided to take a semester off and move up to live with my uncle, aunt, brother, and two cousins. This is the second rescue. God gave me a family. A core community that I will have for the rest of my life. Living with my uncle (one of the greatest men I have ever met) he was consistent in bringing truth and Jesus. He was and is the perfect balance of immaturity and maturity haha. My family gave me a defibrillator shock to wake up what had been dead. Times with my mom and brother were difficult in this season, we were all in pain. We had each other, yet a piece of us was missing. As much as we tried to bury what we felt. We couldn’t. We had to walk with each other in the midst of our battles, keep in mind that we were all severely wounded. I can honestly say as broken as we were, we fought. We are so resilient. Getting pumped just thinking about this right now haha! Love my freaking family man. Anyways, walking through this time I felt Holy Spirit leading me out to Hawaii to go to a bible college.
The third rescue. Kauai Bible College. I call this my breathe. The heart needs oxygen and that’s exactly what God did with me going out to KBC. I made some of my best friends out in Kauai. It wasn’t blood family, although it sure feels like it now. I could go on in a list of who they are, but you know haha. The first semester I took a C.S. Lewis class as an elective. This was the turning point for my heart. We went through the Narnia series and would read one book a week. Lewis and his work is something I will treasure for the rest of my days. Continuing on in school for the next year was great. Again so full of life and joy. I stepped into a leadership position in the dean department. I got to disciple, teach, and use the gifts that God has so graciously given me. My heart became alive once again. I then felt that it was my time to depart from the ministry and the school. That is when the World Race steps in.
Stepping into the World Race I had told God I was going to be reserved and “hold back.” I had been in leadership for so long it felt like, that I wanted a “break.” Wow. Pathetic. The only word I can think of to describe the way I feel about that now. It’s like God calls you to this freedom and then you say, “okay I would like a little break God and then I will start again.” Makes me sick. I will never hold back again. No reserves. No retreat. This is my fourth rescue. The rescue of my heart as a man. The rescue of why my heart is beating, what it is beating for, has been beating for, and will be beating for till the end. John Eldredge says in Wild at Heart (the book is incredible), “A man’s calling is written on his true heart, and he discovers it when he enters the frontier of his deep desires.” I have entered into an adventure with my father. Traveling 11 countries, 11 months. Sharing the Gospel and loving on the lost and found. This is an adventure that few will encounter. That is why the Father has brought me here. To rescue my heart one last time (maybe more to come who knows haha). To become Wild at heart. To become fully alive in who I am. I am not asking what the world needs. I am asking what makes my heart come alive. This world needs people who have come alive. What makes my heart come alive is Jesus. I don’t give a rip how cheesy that sounds. It is true. Since I was six my heart has been His. It will continue to be that way till my last breath and all of eternity. I am not fond of the term rescue for myself. I want to be doing the rescuing. Yet, that is exactly what He is calling me too. I said in one of my earlier blogs how my legs were waking up, the numbing was wearing off. I am now racing to the fathers heart with my own beating, strong, wild heart. A sprint, a jog, a walk, or a crawl. I will make my way to Him somehow. Will you do the same? You don’t have to do a year long mission trip for Holy Spirit to rescue you heart or speak to you. Do not be a “then” type person meaning, “When I get to this point in life, then that is where God will speak and help, or that’s when life will start.” TODAY IS THE DAY FRIEND. The “then” lie is simply that, A LIE. The Father wants to speak to you today. Deciding to open your heart and the two things on the side of your head is up to you. Don’t just expect that oh I tried once and nothing happened. Be faithful and be consistent. That is why I am, where I am. It is because of people like Matty and Tab who were consistent and faithful. My uncle and my FAMILY who were consistent and faithful. Brother and Sisters who were consistent and faithful at the Bible College. Grant and Tristian who I didn’t even mention who have been consistent and faithful brothers to me. Even just the body and church in general who HAS BEEN CONSISTENT AND FAITHFUL. Keep pressing in. Keep Knocking. I am on this race racing for the fathers heart with my own heart. I dare you to join.
Oh yeah.. Christ is it baby:) Mongolia here I come.
This is the start of the wave.
