So the beginning of this month I actually opened up on some deeper issues. Not just about the stuff we thought was vulnerability during squad month, but about the actual stuff I thought I might get judged for. Strangely I have no problem sharing about my struggles with sexual addiction and pornography that I've had in the past. (BTW Praise God for gracing me with freedom from those struggles.) I think it's because those are problems most guys, surprisingly, are willing to admit to and that most guys actually have. This month I actually talked about the stuff I was scared to even speak. Stuff that would make me look totally weak and possibly like a social outcast. It was more than just surface level vulnerability. Things like selfishness, codependency, self-control, and other things that are tough, especially as a 6'3" 250lb. man, to say. As soon as I let all these things out in the open suddenly I thought, "Wow, I wonder if my team is going to treat me differently now that they know? What if they really start to notice my flaws? What if there’s no grace for me with my team?" So basically the whole fear of man thing came after the fact. Which, I guess, could be good and bad.
That’s where I guess the whole trust thing comes in, both with my team, and with God. I guess I have to trust them to see how much it took of me to even feel comfortable telling them, and I have to trust God when he says that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. This where I feel like a lot of us are afraid to go for fear of how things might change between our relationships with others. For me it’s like I’m over analyzing my every move with people. Then I go into these times where I over analyze everything everyone else is doing then it effects me emotionally when normally I could just carry on with the rest of my day like anyone else.
All that being said, it’s been a rough month so far. I feel like I’m almost in a desert, but not the usual kind the people talk about in their spiritual lives. This desert is a little different. This one is filled with the hot heat of emotions, projected ideas that aren’t actually true (a.k.a. lies from the enemy) and over sensitivity. Some folks say admitting to these kind of things takes a lot of strength and courage, but it honestly feels like getting pushed out of the men’s locker room with nothing but a towel on. So really it’s tough to know, and it’s a tough thing to walk through with everyone watching, especially when you feel like you’re the only one. I haven’t entirely seen the fruit of being vulnerable yet, but I know that my God is faithful and that it will come. His Strength is made perfect in my weakness and that’s what I choose to stick to. Amen!
2 Timothy 1:7 “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
Be Blessed,
Buff
