Here I am Send Me , For I am a Man of Unclean Lips

boulevard of Broken Dreams  

8/12/09  –

OK , here goes… 25 yrs old , diagnosis ) chronic major depression. dealt with alot of emotional trauma growin up, dad died when i was 18, never had a healthy relationship with my mother. Gods grace was revealed to me on March 27, 2005, or when i decided to quit running from him because before that day he had been tuggin on my heart!!! thank u jesus for being faitful when I am not, than u for your free gift of grace. thank u for giving me what o dont deserve. Thank u for being just and granting me grace when I FALL SHORT OF YOUR GLORY ( ROM 3:23)..

dealing with this depression breaks my heart. literally! i have two, four month cycles throughout the year that is completely impossible to deal with it seems. It affects every aspect of life. Relationships, work, hinders relationship with christ.

People sometimes say the stupidest things to me , example : do u believe in God ( I am like are you serious right now? ) im thinkn this person is an absolute freaking moron. But its ok , she has never obviously dealt with depression or been around anyone who has had depression.

Also people say it is spiritual depression. Well i can say absolutely not to that as well. Sometimes I feel like Ill never get out of this pit, but that isnt spiritual depression.

Now I say, how about the chemical imbalance in the brain from dealin with emotional trauma growing up, to my mother having bi polar, which gives me a higher chance to have a mental illness. I watch how my mother has been affected by her illness and she is 45! it has absolutely ruined her life. It is very sad. I had a rough childhood and she apologizes to me about it all the time! I commend her for her apology and am thankful she realizes it. Fact of the matter is, that doesnt take away the pain that i endured as a child. Not to mention the process of sanctification is so hard to go through when you go from covering up ur troubles with drugs and idols that in the end leave u with no fulfillment, because at the time u were looking for fulfillment in instant gratification, and being blind to the truth of god and letting the spirit guide you. its an absolute mess. sanctification if you dont know , is the process of jesus workin in your life to be more like him. Tho we will never reach perfection til heaven, i feel he doesnt want to me to live in misery everyday of my life. SO i look at this as a time of preperation, and character building to prepare me for what he would have me do in life..

I have worked with counselors the past 4 years , they are worldly counselors, so they have no freaking idea whats goin on with my spiritual walk with christ.

during the 4 month cycles that i deak with twice a year: here are some of what i deal with and how the stage plays out:

– starts off i can eat something very little , pb&j and a glass of water and fill like I ate a horse- very bloated for a period of time
– sleep 12 to 14 hrs per night , while takin 3 to 4 hr naps throught the day as well
– another stage is going from sleeping 12 to 14 hrs a night , to pulling all nighters on and off for about a month
– keep in mind – very fatigue through all this
– dont enjoy anything
– feel like a piece of crap  hopeless, unfruitful, irritable- need quietness, life just sucks then-
– right now as this point in time , i feel like crying , feel like dying rather than living, even tho i dont want to die, I want to be used by god.

these 2 cycles start when the clocks change ( dont know why ) but thats when it happens

I feel called to ministry, people say if my attitude would adjust then I could do it, what do they know? they dont deal with this, they dont know how it is.
– thast why I labeled this boulevard of broken dreams because thats what it feels like.

Gods timing is different than ours
his thoughts are not my thoughts

( this is based off an Adrian Rogers sermon I heard )
I simply look at the Israelites as they were on their way out of egypt, led by a pillar of fire and clouds- he simply still was the one leading them. They came to a point where they had to take a detour, when and if the would have seen the philistines they would have been scared and retreated, so god took them around the long way instead of facing something that would have been discouraging to them.

– Key point, while in christ he sometimes takes the long way around because he is more worried about our character being built then when we arrive at the destination.

next : they ran into a dead end, when they came upon the red sea and were freaking out-

– key point – that is an absolute point of relying on god to move – all god has to do is speak it and its accomplished.
desperation leads to dependance in christ

next: dryholes- israelites were wondering throughout the wilderness – and come to a point with no water, so they simply murmured God- by the way he doesnt enjoy that ( seriously ) ! they come upon some sour water and they are complaining so while they murmer , god tells moses to throw a log in the water and it becomes sweet and they drink !

key point to this as well: God brought them out of slavery! Why would he bring them out of slavery to destroy them? ( i hope your tracking with me )

– so I ask myself the question is he pulling me out of slavery to destroy me or build my character???

— very hard to grasp this concept of truth !!!!!! ( hope i didnt butcher the slavery process out of egypt )

Guys, its so hard to live this life i am living. I am broken becasue i am stuck mentally – and its been four years of hell and tortue, I will not give up ! even tho it would be easier. he has brought me this far , im sure he is only leading me around the philistines to build my character! he is more worried about who I am when I get at the destination, not how fast !!!

I love you guys and so Does God ! god bless you all who read this, i hope maybe you find it encouraging to your own life or something your going through!!!