Have you ever looked in a mirror and completely hate what you see?
“You re too fat!” “You re a Loser””A retard.” “An Idiot.””You are ugly.””No one likes you.””You have no friends.” You are unworthy of love.”
These lies have engulfed my thoughts for so many years and even to this day I look in a mirror I see what the people of my past saw. I saw the weird smile, the face covered in acne, the huge arms, and short and stocky figure that so many guys have pointed out to me.
I see the girl with no voice because she is so afraid of her words because I could not find the right words to say or people would deem me as stupid because I could not say a word correctly.
Lies that were definitely lies, but as I was growing up these were the only truths I knew and believed.
These lies that suffocate me even to this day and something that is hard to talk about because we all have struggled with this at one point or another, right? So I just need to suck it up and just deal with it….
But Papa had such a bigger plan. During our debreif I was struggling with my self- confidence. “What would my new team think of me?” “What about my old team, would they even remember me?”
In my heart I was preparing the letting go process because I am so use to having friends and then they leave after they have gotten what they wanted out of a relationship or that I was an inconvience to them. There are very few who I count as genuine friends…
During this debrief the Lord pursued me in a way that I had no idea he would. Talking with my squad mom, and telling her about the struggles of my heart, she stated “confirmation.”
In my mind I did not know what was going but she told me that there is this book that was kept being put in her possession and for some reason that day she saw my name on the book cover. The title of the book was a strange one so she wanted a word confirmation before she just handed the book.
“God Loves Ugly.”
Interesting title I know, but I accepted the challenge to read this book, and it is the end of the month and I did 🙂 This author was amazing and reading this book brought me so much comfort because she knew what I was going through. She understood about peoples words effecting how one saw themselves, or how people treated another effected what they believed about themselves. But it was also frustrating because I want confidence in myself and to not just know I am beautiful and a Daughter of the King, but I want to fully believe it as well.
So as I continued to read this book, it kept talking about declarations and not just speaking them, but believing every declaration I speak.
“Stephanie Renee you are BEAUTIFUL, No longer defined by YOUR PAST, and I am Worthy of love, …”
It is one of the weirdest feelings ever to speak in the mirror and declare truths about yourself…
Slowly this harden heart began to soften even looking in the mirror I began to see something different, I haven’t lost a whole lot of weight, but it was as if my eyes are beginning to see what the Lord see and no longer what the world sees.
What I have believed about myself for so long was beginning to disappear. There is power in my voice and He is teaching more and more about that power. Am I there yet, no. But do I believe He will bring me freedom in this area for me? Yes, I do believe He fully will.
This will be a long journey, but I know this will be worth it in the end because I am worth it.
So I WORTHY OF LOVE, FEARLESS, BOLD, BEAUTIFUL, NOT DEFINED BY THE THINGS OF MY PAST, and I am FORGIVEN AND FREE!!!
Thank you for reading my blog. This series “God Loves Ugly” will be a big part of my spiritual journey because as I was writing this and in being intentional with Papa, He was revealing more and more about this to me and I am excited to share with you this journey..
