Currently, I am in month 10 of the race, in Cambodia, but strangely enough I’m posting about my month in Botswana. At certain points on our race I was unable to share or update my supporters as much as I would have liked. These reasons are complicated to say the least, and it’s never been a completely homogenous answer.
Suffice it to say for this one though:
Around the time I got back from the Kalahari desert of Botswana, and back to civilization in South Africa I was faced with the reality that I used my work as a coping mechanism in order to hide myself, parts of myself, or just not deal with what was going on around me. Perfectionistic tendencies didn’t help me a whole lot either, and most of my time was spent researching, editing photos, or working on things for art/music/blogs/etc. to infinitum without producing a whole lot. *getting things “perfect” takes some time and is strangely unforgiving (winky face).
It was incredibly hard for me to heed my teammate Andrea slamming my computer shut in South Africa, and telling me to “rest” instead of working one of the innumerable things that I had inside my head. Until every member of my team confirmed that I needed to lay off of my work I didn’t rest, but I did avoid Andrea for a bit. Face to face with the reality that I needed to rest, that I maybe had a problem, and that I should do something about it now, I began to humble myself to God’s will, and believe that it didn’t all depend on me. Working Saturdays and Sundays was my way of trying to force my will, and make sure that everything got done that I wanted to get done. After a decade of operating in this high-strung, no-room-for-fun mindset, I began to realize that I never got everything done that I wanted to, and that my Saturdays and Sundays didn’t need to be as hectic as my Monday through Friday work life, especially when I was dealing with issues that were more important than getting a few pictures up and edited.
At the time I was a 24 year old observing the 45 people who had come from all sorts of different backgrounds, but had unanimously seemed to grasp hold of a greater sort of happiness than I had. Now, looking back, I can easily say that I was watching life happen around me, but I was working instead of experiencing it or giving life to others. Already, I had gone to 5 different countries, but wasn’t feeling the freedom of a life fully lived. Beyond that, burnout was waiting for me, and I knew my pace needed to change or I wouldn’t be able to sustain myself.
In my past I had burnt out before, and when you burn out you quit. Whatever you’re doing at that moment isn’t important anymore, because you want to have less weight on your shoulders, it drops right off. It’s similar to trying to run long distance at a full sprint–you can do it for a few miles maybe, but after a while of not trusting, not allowing God to move into the spaces you can’t control, and basing your worth off a some wrong ideas of purpose — you really can’t go anymore. It doesn’t matter how much you will it, because your feet will slow down and eventually you’ll be worse for not pacing yourself.
Rewiring bad habits is never quite as neat as you might like it to be, and it takes time to readjust to working at normal paces. Not being sucked into the funnel of work-all-the-time-ness is a difficult trap to side-step. Regardless, the pictures below are from my stay in Botswana, perhaps the most isolated and barren site we stayed at on the race. We brought everything used to the site, because they didn’t have water or food for us. It was an interesting month where we didn’t have a whole lot, and I think we were all challenged as men to press into God and away from distractions.
This month was interesting, because it was completely peaceful for a lot of it. There were hardships, but they were straightforward challenges. I hope to tell you more, but Cambodia is quite different–perhaps even opposite. Cambodia is not peaceful, and there appear to be few hardships on the surface. However, there is more to living in Cambodia than just getting up. More on that later.
These photos only document one day, but I’ll be posting more. We played with the village kids, and had some fun–The days there were scorching, and the skies beautiful. Hope you enjoy the glimpse into my month 4.
Bottles of Water for our time in Botswana. We are crossing into Botswana from South Africa.
