“Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you can try sleeping in my bed.” Because that is exactly how I’ve been going to sleep every night the last couple of weeks or so. I am sad. I am terrified. I am nervous. My heart gets really heavy. I am overwhelmed too. The reason for all these not so great feelings? Well, it’s because I feel like I’m walking in the shoes of the rich man in Matthew 19: 16-24. I am realizing slowly but surely that by asking me to go on the World Race (WR), Papa is asking me to give up all my “riches/possessions.”
Wow Steph! I did not did not know you were rich! Neither did I! Trust me. But the more I read the biblical passage; the more I realize that riches do not necessarily mean lots of money, lots of cars or huge mansion (both God and I know that I don’t have it like that).
By riches, I believe that God is asking me to give up to give up some of the things that I cherish most, the things that I am guilty of putting before Him on several occasions, even when I don’t realize that I do that. By asking me to be on the WR, God is asking me to give up quite a few of my “riches” and they include:
- Keeping up with my favorite TV shows (TV or Netflix/Amazon Prime) and the comfortable couch that 1) I lay on to watch them and 2) sometime fall asleep watching them (Suits, How to Get Away with Murder, the Bachelor/ette [guilty pleasure. no judgement!], Grey’s Anatomy, most if not all shows from CW. And this is just to name a few. Oh, I shall miss thou!!!)
- My closet (like for real, the Lord is really testing me because I am that girl who overpacks because I love myself OPTIONS, when I am traveling. The struggle to pack for this trip has been so real!!!)
- My perfectly great job and the constant paycheck that comes with it
- My perfectly comfortable bed (although I’ve barely slept in it the past few days. See first bullet point above for the reason why)
- Not having my sister and brother at arms-length to ask them the stupid questions that I am too embarrassed to ask other people – instead God is surrounding me with 14 people that I am still getting to know better and that I am to call family for the next 11 months.
- Warm showers
- My mom home-made meals
- My friends. Granted they do live all across the US and don’t see them face to face too often, but still…
- My church’s weekly bible study. Tuesday was my favorite day of my work week because I knew I would get to hang out with my spiritual family whom I love and cherish. We get to learn and study the Word together.
- The endless chats I have with my sister when she comes back from work
- The readily available Internet
- My ability to retreat in my room and by myself for a long period of time without anyone bothering me (I can be a real homebody you all at times and I don’t mind it!)
- My car (I LOVE driving!)
- And so much more. But I can’t think of them right this moment.
The above may not be “riches” to a lot of people. But they are my riches. They are part of a long list things that makes me comfortable, happy and cozy inside. Things that I tend to hold on to dearly. Too dearly at times, even more than God Himself at times. Thus why the heavy heart.
When I read the rich man story or even when I used to hear it, I immediately used to think: “Man! This dude is crazy! You have THE Jesus Christ in front of you and telling you what the one thing standing between eternal life and you is and you CANT DO IT! You have lost your mind! Are you kidding me? If it was me, I’d do it without hesitation!”
Well, I empathize with him now. I understand how he was feeling and could see why getting rid of all of his possessions and follow Christ was a hard thing for him to do. For a long time, I used to think if I was walking in his shoes, I would be able to do it in heart beat because I am not as “rich” as he is. But here I am now, thousands and thousands of years later, same situation as him…well, same same, but different. I get it. And I think that is a lesson in itself for me too: I should not be so quick to cast stones, condemn and judge the people in the Bible who didn’t do the right thing when God asked them to do something. That also goes for my current life too. Following Jesus and his instructions (which don’t make sense and can seem wild, random & out of nowhere at times) is not an easy thing to do.
“So tonight [and onward], I am going to find a way to make it” without my dear:
- Car (No. I won’t drive. But instead, I will get to ride ALL the modes of transportation invented by men)
- Clothes (I realize now that I’ll have options: I will be raiding my teammates/ squadmates closet like crazy. They should get ready)
“Tonight, I am going to find a way to make it without:”
- My mom’s homemade meals (they are delicious, but I get to try tons of food from tons of different countries this year!)
- Weekly Bible study (I get to share with people what I have learned during these Bible studies. Plus, God has surrounded with 14 individuals – not counting my leadership team – who loves and knows the Word and I get to study with them every day!)
“Tonight I am going to find a way to make it without” all of the items on my list above and more. “I am going to hold on to” God instead and trust that He has my best interest in mind. He is calling me out of my comfort zone because there is some major work that He needs to do in me. And He can’t do any of them if I am comfortable and don’t leave/”sell” certain things behind. And I am more than OK with that. Because I know He will always work things out for my good and I will be better because of it.
So, again, you’re awesome for reading! Thanxies so much! 
Just a few things
- If you didn’t realize it, that was my own personal “rendition” of Alicia Keys “Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart!”
- Fun fact about this blog: I drafted it in early 2014 a few months after I heard about the WR and was following my friend Tayo’s and her squad’s journey. At the time, the WR was something that was super cool to me; but I never thought I could actually be doing it someday. So, I was just in my cubicle one day and was thinking about how I would be feeling if God really gave me the go ahead to do the race and I decided to fake-write this blog about it. And it’s kind of funny how roughly 3 years later, what I drafted then still somewhat stands true. For the most part.
- I leave for Indonesia TODAY!!!! Please keep my squad and me in prayers for us to get there safely. Please pray for the ministry we will be doing that month and that God use us in a mighty way.
- I have fundraised a total amount of $11,988. I have $5,629 left in order to be fully funded. If you have not gotten a chance to do so, please click on the “Donate!” button on the top right corner of this page and make a donation. Thank you in advance.
