As I sit here, reflecting on the past 13 days, I am shattered. Heartbroken once again for my first love…Costa Rica. We first met Christmas Day in 2003…since then, I have been blessed to be able to make several short-term visits and one six-month visit to this beautiful country. Each time, it’s more difficult to say goodbye than the last.
But, this year the trip was especially difficult. Up until ten weeks ago, there was part of my heart that thought I would be leaving Costa Rica with a ring on my finger. Of course I knew I wasn’t going to be engaged when we left for the trip…I was leaving the country one boyfriend short. But, something about the death of dreams… they’re slow. It takes boarding a plane home and your father commenting, “I’m really glad we have the same last name, it means you’re not married,” for reality to sink in.
Every time there’s another wedding announcement or baby shower invite in my mailbox part of me asks something along the lines of,
“Am I going to be the Edith of my family?!”**
“God, when will it be my turn?”
“Are you making me wait so my future husband has time to grow out a beard?”
Now, to settle your mind…I was not miserable in Costa Rica. In fact, I was loved on more than I deserve, by people who didn’t even know me! I was reminded of “pura vida!” and tico-time. I sang and danced with hundreds of little children whose laughter healed my heart. I sat with Louis as he proudly showed off his Crocs and refused to listen to the Bible story. I spoke a lot of Spanish…and I messed up a lot of Spanish. Every morning we were up at 6:00am to study the book of Mark. I rode a motorcycle down a dirt road, and led a group of 10 gringos into town on the bus. It was twelve days of sweet sweet time with Jesus.
I was reminded in Costa Rica of my willingness to sacrifice everything to Him…everything except my relationships. Seriously guys…living out of a backpack is exciting, but it’s really not stretching for me. It’s like a cleanse and a challenge to minimization all in one! Cold showers…been there, done that. No shower…been there, done that. Spending eleven months in ministry…pumped! Wearing a V-neck everyday…how is that any different than what I already do now? Living in community…so ready for this it isn’t even funny. God, you can have twenty months of Single-Stephanie…just as long as when I get home you promise we can start looking for, “the one.” ((if you could join me in this prayer it would be great…kidding!!!))
As I struggled to give this dream to Him, I read the words of Abraham Kuyper via The Explicit Gospel
“There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is sovereign over all, does not cry ‘Mine!’” Therefore, there should be no square inch in the whole domain of human existence over which we don’t say “His!”
We serve a loving but jealous God. He is not content with only half of my heart, and I’m sure he certainly doesn’t appreciate my conditional obedience… I know that there is more breaking to be done, more healing to come, and more tears that will be cried. But, won’t it be beautiful?
I met a beautiful woman in Costa Rica. She was on our team, and an inspiration to me every single day. S loves Costa Rica, but she loves the people of Costa Rica more. And she loves well. It was a joy to serve and learn alongside one of the funniest women I have ever met. What I saw most in S though, was her giving.
Not just monetarily, but with her words of encouragement, with her time, with her smile, with her prayers she has invested in the lives of those she knows. The reunions she had with families in Costa Rica were some of the most beautiful things to witness. One day when I arrived for Bible study, tucked in my journal was a little pink bag. Inside that little pink bag was a ring I saw a few days prior. I don't think S knew the enormity of the gift she had given. The subtle reminder that He knows my heart.
I left Costa Rica with a ring on my finger, and a broken heart.
**shameless Downton Abbey reference
