I grew up in a lovely family, with parents that didn’t abandon, spank, or fight in front of my sisters or me. As far as I could tell… my life was perfect.
I mean, my sister had an eating disorder… but as far as I could tell, life was pretty normal. We never missed a soccer game, Girl Scout meeting, or swim meet. My dad was in college getting, what I thought was, his PhD. In actuality, he was working 50+hrs a week and racing to finish up his Bachelor’s Degree before daughter number one finished high school ((something to this day, I am both in awe of and inspired by)). My mom worked in the Church kitchen making Wednesday night supper by hand for what seemed like a zillion people. Life. went. on.
I wasn’t oblivious to what was happening. Sure there were conversations I didn’t fully understand, late nights in our living room that I was excluded from, and spontaneous trips in the middle of the night that didn’t exactly make sense… but I shrugged them off. As long as I remembered to put undies on before going outside to play, I counted each day as a “win!”
What came from that season of life was a sense of strength, and unity among our family. We were proud of our “Cashin Blood.” I still am.
Somewhere along the line I also learned, “you’ll be fine.” As far as I could tell… if you weren’t bleeding, throwing up, or lost, you didn’t have any major problems, you needed to “FIGURE IT OUT” cause we’ve got life to do!
Flash forward ten years, I was working at summer camp and having a particularly difficult day. I was leading a group of thirteen 4th-5th grade girls on a hike to the waterfall…the complaints were endless. It was towards the end of the week, and my compassion was running thin. Every, “I’m thirsty”…”My feet hurt,” …and “I’m going to die!” was answered with an overly cheerful thumbs up and, “Don’t worry you’ll be FINE!”
You see… I’m fine to a fault. And I expect others to be too.
There. I said it.
It’s not that I expect you to be fine all the time…but if you’re going to be not okay, I need you to have a “real problem.”
I’m selective with compassion and patience and joy and peace and even prayer.
I’ve never wrestled with anything so complexly engrained in me, and the struggle is exhausting… I’ve lost friendships, ended relationships, and distanced potential mentors in my life over “being fine.” I’ve written people off as, “annoying”, “having no common sense”, and even as, “being a burden” when they "weren't fine".
As I enter into a season of in-tents community it has never been more obvious to me that I need Christ to transform my heart. I need divine intervention, and The Spirit to intercede for me.
But He won’t.
Every prayer, every cry is met with a gentle but clear… a “I will not change you, I will teach you.”
Dear friends, used-to be friends… and future squad & teammates that will sanctify me daily. For the times that I overlooked, minimized, or belittled you for your hurt…I am so sorry. For the pain my callousness has caused, I apologize. For the times that I was more concerned with what needed to be done instead of what needed to be heard…I ask for your forgiveness.
Thank you prayer warriors, for your grace and faithfulness and patience…this journey continues to wreck and renew me daily.
