Oh how my heart is torn.
There is the missionary Stephanie who cries for the orphan, the widow and the homeless. She pours over The Word, and is diligent about common prayer and journaling. She is gentle and she’s who I want to be. She’s the Stephanie I want other’s to know.
Then…there is lazy Stephanie.
She thinks about the World Race daily. Every morning, mentally counting how many “guaranteed” hot showers she has left before the race… (It’s about 265 by her count). She thinks about it as she makes coffee each morning with chemical filled creamer that will surely kill her someday. And when the Anthropology catalog came in the mail this week, and when her hotel room had silk sheets that she never wanted to leave…
Today she doesn’t feel like a missionary. She doesn’t feel deep, or spiritual, or any other label she feels she should feel about it.
Instead…she feels shallow.
And for about eight hours today…she wallowed in that shallowness. Enjoying the safety and security. But the shallow end isn't fun for very long, not when you can see others enjoying the high-dive…challenging each other to swim deeper.
I am reminded of a book I read this year, The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler. Chandler writes,
"Apart from understanding God and worship him […] everything becomes superficial."
There are so many things in this world that distract me from the Face of Christ. SO many areas of my life that need to be surrendered over to Him. Ugliness that the decision to join The World Race has highlighted, and to be honest…it hurts.
Vanity I didn’t know was there.
Pride that is so sneaky it makes me sick to my stomach.
Materialism I had ignored.
And today…shallowness.
How many times do I know the right thing to do and take the lower road?… a lot!
I justify vanity by saying, “I work really hard…I deserve to feel pretty while I do.”
I boast about my success subtly enough to make other’s interested in me…and of my failures eloquently enough that people think I handle things well.
I compare my closet to another’s in order to make my four winter jackets seem like not that much.
And today, I was shallow. I was an inoculated Christian that rested on my gift of Salvation and did absolutely nothing to further The Kingdom. I was the Stephanie I don’t want to be.
As I prepare for The World Race, I ask that you pray for me. Please, (of course) pray for safety and provision. But also, pray the Lord would create in me a (single) pure heart. A heart that longs to worship him in all things! A heart that won't become distracted or grow weary in this in-between season of preparation. Please pray that I don’t grow complacent in my walk. But rather, please challenge me to continually die to the Cross. Hold me accountable to my responsibility to be faithful to God’s call and the gospel.
-s
