//A Journal Entry 12/12/15//
“I feel like I’m starving. My stomach is grumbling. I feel dizzy and fatigued and I’m starting to lose my patience. people are walking around with their candy, chips, and sweet cakes and I haven’t had a snack in 5 days. I thought this would be easy, cutting out junk food, and spending more intentional quality time with the Lord, Win.Win. Right?”
“I feel deprived. every time I say or think ” I’m starving.” I retract my statement. I’m not starving, I am desiring food greatly. I’ve never starved, not a day in my life. I may of always had what I “wanted” but I’ve always been given what I “NEED.”
I decided last month I was being too complacent. I needed to dive more into self discipline and figuring out what that looked like in my life. Up until last month I thought I surrendered a lot. When I signed up for the race I left behind a great paying job, a home, an intership with kids I love, a community full of friends and family that supported me and everything I’ve ever known to be comfortable. But God didn’t call me on this trip to be “comfortable” as I’ve said many times before. He called me into abandonment and greater dependence on him. Well what I realized is I was depending on MYSELF to meet my own needs. After leaving the race I hadn’t surrender ANYTHING. I was doing what I wanted, going where I wanted, eating what I wanted, and including God in things when I decided I needed him. I sat down and thought long and hard about my outlets, my comforts, and my crutches in life. I decided going into the fourth month I was going to practice self discipline. I decided snacking is a huge outlet of mine. When I’m mad, I eat. When I’m sad, I eat. When I’m bored, I eat. I don’t go to the Lord with my feelings, I eat my feelings. Another thing that seems to take precedence over the Lord is my phone. Sadly, facebook, instagram, and internet access in general often takes priority over my desire to seek the Lord. When I need comfort, I don’t seek his word or his presence. I burry my face in a screen and scroll for hours. Neither of these options are healthy. I needed a balance in my life, and until I could find one I opted to avoid them both in their entirety. I fasted in-between meal snacks, and Wi-Fi for the last month and replaced that time and those desires with quality time with the Lord. When everyone else went to town to catch up on emails and Skype chats I stayed behind to sit in silence. I read, I journaled, I prayed. I asked God to share with me why it is was easier for me to lean on external outlets then to lean on him. When everyone was eating candy and donuts I went away to pray. I asked God to curve my appetite and sustain me through the day.
“The clock ticks. I watch the minutes go by. Finally it’s breakfast. Then another 5 hours until lunch. Sometimes I don’t think I will make it. Countdown continues. I have snacks in my pack, if I eat one, no one will ever know. But that is not the point. Giving in isn’t self discipline, in any form. So I walk away. I drown myself in the word and just ask the Lord to take the hunger from me. Take the hunger of food, and replace it with a hunger for more of him.”
“I was reading in Philippians today and stumbled across Pauls great words of wisdom. He is speaking to the church at philipi reguarding gifts He assures them he didn’t “NEED” anything from them. He says in verses 12-13
“I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I’m in, I know what it means to be in need, and I know what it means to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every circumstance. Whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want, I can do ALL things through him who gives me strength.”
“Pauls words convict me because I too have had little and had plenty and in neither situation am I content. I am always worried about MORE, or what others have, and what I don’t have. I live in a constant state of WANT and never give God the opportunity to satisfy me.”
“I think about the street boys that just left us. A part of our ministry is we have a camp a few times a month where local street boys come and stay a few days. We provide them with hot meals, a place to sleep, we play games, dance, laugh with them, and love on them. They range from ages 8-18. They have little to no clothing. Some no shoes. They typically smell due to lack of heigiene. They rarely get a hot meal, a warm bed, or even hugs. They’ve known what its like to have little or have plenty and in all situations be content. They wake up with Joy and have smiles on their faces. I wonder what it’s like to desire food and not know when I would eat next. Or when its cold and rainy, I wonder where I would lay my head. When the smog and sweat defile my clothes, where would I get them cleaned? I wonder what its like…”
“There is a lot to be learned from these little guys. They are living out the words of Paul. They inspire me to check my heart, my motives, my desires, and my priorities. They challenge me to be content in ALL things, and they encourage me to trust the Lord will meet my Needs.“
Matthew 6:26 says: ” Look at the birds of the air, they do not sew or reap or store away food in barns and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
The point of this fast was to acquire some self discipline, rely more on God, spend more intentional time with him, surrender some of my selfish desires and trust him to meet my needs in ALL circumstanes. I didn’t want to be starving for more food, but starving for more of Him.
I want to challenge you to check your heart. Are you being content in ALL things, having little and plenty? Are you thankful for what he HAS given you, or more focused on what you don’t have? Do you trust him to meet ALL your needs? Do you believe like Paul that the Lord whom IS your strength can really do ALL things? Be encouraged, the Lord provides for the birds and the flowers and you are far more valuable than they. He will see to it that all your NEEDS are met.
