Month 7 is coming quickly to an end. We’ll be changing teams again soon. We’re even changing continents going into month nine. Thoughts of what life looks like after the race plague my mind on a daily basis. I begin to day dream about what I’ll do next? Where will God send me? Where will I live? What kind of job will I have? I even daydream about the food I will indulge in upon returning to the states after a year.
Then, I feel guilty…
I feel guilty for not being present. I feel guilty for trying to hurry up today and make it to tomorrow. It’s like I forget I’m across the world doing missions and life feels like any other mundane day in America. I forget to feel. I forget to notice people. I forget I’ve been given the opportunity of a lifetime.
Then, the guilt sets in…
It’s not that I don’t wish to be here…I’m just burnt out. I’m trying to ward off compassion fatigue and complacency. Instead of getting up early to spend time with God I sleep in until 10 and THEN lazily mope around until I’M ready to start my day. Sometimes I don’t ask God what HE wants me to do with my day. I do what I want to do…Because that’s just easier. Sometimes I don’t want to continuously pursue people, press in, pray, and pour out. I’d rather just sit in my pjs and watch a movie or take a nap.
Sometimes I don’t want to give my extra five dollars to the homeless man or buy him a meal. I want to treat myself to my favorite icecream.
Then I feel guilty…
I feel bad to go for a run, or do a HITT circuit for thirty minutes. I feel bad to read any other book than the bible, or even take a nap. I feel there is always something better I can be doing. I could be doing a bible study, attending a discipleship class, going for a prayer walk, volunteering at a feeding program, or talking with the homeless. I could be pouring into my team or one of the other 5,000+ Muslims who live here.
I think about all the things I COULD be doing. Then THAT thought stresses me out and instead of doing something…I do NOTHING.
Not ALL days…BUT some…
Then, I feel guilty…
I feel selfish for caring about ME and MY needs/wants when there is a world FULL of lost people that need to hear about Jesus right out our front door.
This is often referred to as the Missionary guilt complex. Basically we feel guilty about EVERYTHING. ALL the time.
We feel guilty we don’t do ENOUGH to help someone, or guilty we didn’t have the resources to do a “better Job.” We feel guilty we don’t call our friends and family enough. We feel guilty for taking a “personal day” or off day ( your never OFF of ministry) or if we indulge in any moments of caring for ourselves.
There is always something else to be done. Someone to help. Someone to pray for. The days seem to just drag on. We aren’t in our usual living conditions. The food does some crazy things to your stomach, and the SUN is another level of hot. Some days it takes all I have to even get out of bed.
Guilt is a cruel task master always demanding, “there is more you can do.”
What IF I did pray unceasingly?
What IF I did feed ALL the homeless people in Malaysia?
What IF I did wake up at sunrise and went to bed at 11 after cramming my day full of ministry?
What IF I did spend every waking moment pouring into someone else’s life?
What IF?
Would it be enough?
Would I be enough?
The truth of the matter is…God wouldn’t love me any less if I “couldn’t do it ALL.” Gods’ Love is not dependent on what I DO or DON’T do. He isn’t MORE proud of me if I’m feeding the homeless, holding an orphan, praying, volunteering, OR taking a nap, reading a book, or sitting on my bed.
He loves me because I AM HIS DAUGHTER.
As a recovering perfectionist this is crucial to understand, and ESSENTIAL for healing. I HAVE to give myself permission to take care of me… It’s something God WANTS me to do. He even created “a day of rest” for specifically that.
He tells us to “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
How can I expect to “love others” If I don’t love myself? Or How can I have compassion for others if I have no compassion for myself?
I constantly beat myself up about the ways I didn’t measure up…I could of done MORE.
Would I treat someone else that way?
Would I run them ragged and constantly expect more out of them? Would I make them feel guilty or condemned when they don’t deliver?
Of course not! So why do I do it to myself?
If I don’t take care of me, I will quickly become more demanding, unkind, and expect someone else to take care of me. Which inevitably DECREASES my ability to love.
One of the biggest lessons we teach as Christians is “die to self.” But we don’t teach how to live in peace and joy.
One of the best ways we can live in peace is, giving the body rest, being healthy and aware of warning signals from our mind and body. Stress disrupts our connection with God. You can’t focus on God if you’re tense, stressed, and worried ALL the time.
This REQUIRES down time. Listening and giving your body what it needs to properly function:
Rest. Exercise. A balanced diet. Space to breath.
I’ve noticed a remarkable difference in my spiritual life when I maintain these things regularly. Going to bed early, spending sufficient time with God each day (throughout the day) Regular exercise at least thirty minutes a day, eating well balanced meals (This is hard/not ideal on the race & gets expensive) Sitting and breathing (slowing the mind) Thinking positively, and making a conscious effort to smile and be thankful.
Learning the signals of our bodies is essential to learning how to take care of the temple (our body) God has given us.
Promise yourself one thing EVERYDAY you will do to take care of you! And DON’T feel bad about it!
Go for a walk. Get a massage. Take a nap. Eat a tasty treat. Play a card game. Listen to music. All of these things in moderation are fine.
Jesus doesn’t NEED you to save the world. He doesn’t NEED you to have ALL the answers or understand everyone’s suffering. The only way to FULLY experience peace and rest is complete surrender. Let go of the missionary guilt complex. I’m giving you and myself permission to take care of US. It’s healthy. It’s necessary. Stop feeling guilty and enjoy the life you’re meant to live!
