Growing up I developed a theory. I truly believed that if you had a certain body type, wore a certain size pants, had a certain color hair and wore nice clothes then you were beautiful. Time would only prove to me that this theory was true. People treated you different if you were “skinny” if you dressed nice or had certain traits that society deemed beautiful. I was not a size 4, I didn’t have blonde hair, big boobs, or have expensive clothes, and as a result I was rejected. Girls made fun of me, and guys surely didn’t want to date me. And so the lie lodged deep down inside of me that unless I looked like those girls. I wasn’t pretty. I was not worth loving.
I struggled with eating most of my life- for as long as I can remember. Food was the only thing I could turn to that made me feel safe and comforted. It was also the thing that destroyed me and made me hate myself. My life was spinning in a downward spiral. I would binge on whole containers of ice cream, whole bags of chips, and eat copious amounts of candy only later to find myself feeling miserable, fat, and still very much not pretty.
I tried diets, and weight loss programs, I joined gyms, paid for personal trainers, and competed in various sports. STILL…The only thing I found satisfaction in was food. I remember being at my all time highest weight during college. I didn’t want to wear a bathing suit, I didn’t want to go out, I was wallowing in my own self pity and my negative attitude brought everyone else around me down. One day my boyfriend broke up with me and I attributed all of it to one thing. I wasn’t pretty enough. Because of my weight and the way I looked I knew he didn’t want to be with me. I remember eating like a rabbit, working out 2-3 times a day, and running miles after miles with one goal. I’m going to make him wish he didn’t break up with me.
So my theory proved to be true. Or at least I thought. I lost 35 lbs and never felt better. I was more confident and happy than I had ever been before. And guess who wanted me back?. I thought surely it was attributed to my new physique and new found confidence. I felt on top of the world. My addiction was no longer food but receiving affirmation for the way I looked. I now had a taste of what it was like to have people look at you, want to date you, and be friends with you. Everything about my life became no longer about what I was eating but what I wasn’t eating, I became a gym rat, training my friends, teaching classes, and living the life of gym selfies, and post workout shakes. However….If I think back I can remember still I was not happy. Something was still missing.
Fast forward years later to 2018. I had added the weight back on and again I was feeling miserable and depressed. I was working out again but my diet was horrible and there were no changes. About a month ago a good friend of mine approached me about doing the Whole 30 and I volunteered to do it with her. I had done it once before unsuccessfully and I knew I had nothing to lose (except weight) so I committed myself to her for 30 whole days. No dairy, wheat, sugar, or processed foods. Little did I know the affects it would have on me….
I wanted to write this blog to share some thoughts and give you some encouragement. If you struggle with eating. (overeating, bulimia, anorexia, binging etc) YOU’RE NOT ALONE. We all have our struggles and most people struggle with food believe it or not. Food can be addiction like anything else. If it consumes your thought life, you rely on it to meet a need, you crave it in unhealthy ways, you spend all your money on it… You might have an addiction. Maybe it’s not food you’re addicted to but working out, looking a certain way, or weighing a certain number?
I’m reading a book called “gods at war” by Kyle Idleman. It is an incredible book that talks about the different gods we worship unknowingly. The gods of entertainment, sex, money, success, & FOOD. He says “food is a god that demands an incredible sacrifice of time and money. It’s a god that specializes in vanity- an obsession with outward appearance. It’s a god that gets you to worship your own image.” And that is exactly what I was doing.
I sat down the day before my Whole 30 began and I journaled some thoughts, some goals, and some prayers over the next 30 days. I wanted this to be a journey I took with the Lord and not one for me to fit in a certain size pants. Although that would be an added bonus- I wanted my heart to be in the right place. Unlike all the times before.
I asked God to give me a word to carry with me. One I could remember and hang on to when the days got hard. “ABIDE” He led me John 15:4-5
“Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
I knew I literally could not do this without His help. Abide means to remain. If I would remain in him, close to him I would be able to conquer anything. And that is exactly what I did. I conquered my addiction. One of my main prayers for the journey was for “fresh eyes” I wanted to view food in a different light, I wanted to enjoy food for all it’s wonderful tastes and variety. I wanted to have a healthy relationship with food and eat it when I was hungry not just for the sake of eating. Food had a strong hold over my life. Instead of clinging to God in moments of joy, sorrow, celebration or frustration, I clung to food. It was my crutch and little did I know it was debilitating me.
So Here I am 30 days later. I feel incredible. I am not in the jeans I want to be in but that’s ok, because that was not my original goal. I far exceeded my goals and expectations and I proved to myself I CAN DO IT. The battle is lost and won in the mind. I had to fight for myself, discipline myself, and believe in myself. I haven’t had acne in 30 days, I don’t feel bloated, or fatigued, I sleep better, my hair and my nails are healthier, the little bumps on my arms are gone, I can run for miles without stopping and I actually feel great. I feel even better than I did in college when I lost all that weight because it wasn’t really a weight issue. It was a heart issue. I can actually look in the mirror now and tell myself “You”re Beautiful.” “You are so worth loving.” And its not because I look a certain way…It’s because my heart is in a better place and I am actually claiming that over myself and believing it to be true. Weight loss has always been a journey for me, but it doesn’t get to define me. I wanted to encourage those of you who are struggling in this area. Keep setting goals, keep believing in yourself. if you get tripped up- KEEP GOING. It will be worth it one day because you are worth it. Don’t do it for anyone else. Do it for you, to be the truest, best, healthiest version of yourself. And believe that you too are so worth loving. Because you are. <3
