I never knew I could love a child as much as I love the two boys I have met in the slums this month, Dara and Meakara. It has been an extremely emotional month. There is hardly a day that goes by where I don’t cry. God has given me so much compassion for the people in this village. I never ever thought I could love kids as much as I love the kids here at the slums, especially Meak and Dara. I love them like they are my very own children. I don’t know what it is like to love my own children or how much I could possibly love my own children since I’ve never had a child. However, I feel as though these two boys are my own. I am gushing out so much love for them. I would do anything for them.
Every morning and afternoon I cannot wait to walk to the church and round the corner. Meak and Dara’s houses are right next to each other right across from the church. As soon as they spot us, they fix their eyes on me and come running full blast right into my arms. I then grab them, one at a time and spin them around. There are no words that can describe the feelings that I get inside during this moment. To have someone such as a little child have such a desire to be loved and to run into your arms is quite possibly the best feeling in the world.
I realize that God pursues me in much the same way. He desires to spend time with me and His arms are spread wide open just as mine are when I greet these two boys every day. He desires for me to be obedient and follow hard after Him. He desires to love me unconditionally.
I am currently struggling with letting go…letting go of the fact that I do not get the opportunity to watch these boys grow up…letting go of the fact that I will never know where they end up or how they end up…letting go of seeing them everyday…letting go of hugging them and holding them and spoiling them…
I fully know and understand that God has complete control of their lives. I realize that the love and compassion that I feel and have for them is nothing compared to the love and compassion that HE has for them. I realize that I don’t always get the privilege or the reward of seeing the fruit or the results of the seeds I am planting. God has called me to be His hands and feet. I am to follow and to obey. He has already gone before me and has prepared the hearts of those He wants me to minister to. I am to keep focused on HIM and HIS plan for my life so that HIS works may be fulfilled; so that HIS kingdom may be furthered; so that HIS glory will be revealed; so that HIS name will be praised.
No matter how much I realize and understand this, the compassion and love I feel is so real and has intensified with each passing day. It is so strong that I am having a hard time letting go and giving it all to God. It’s funny how I know that He is perfect and Has a perfect plan for these boys, yet I still want to hold on to them as if I could change their lives for the better [yeah…right].
Every day I see these boys, I am the happiest I have been on the race. They fill me with so much joy. I feel like I am at my highest point, yet also my lowest. Leaving them every day makes me truly feel like my heart is being ripped out just knowing that I will soon have to say goodbye forever.
I’ve been praying for God to help me in this process and to help me fully let go of them because deep down I know that God will provide for them and take care of them and give them the lives that He has planned for them. It’s just a hard process to go through. But I’m learning. I’m loving like I’ve never loved before and I’m having to give up two of the hardest things I’ve ever had to give up in my entire life…
I WILL lay them down at the feet of Jesus…right where they belong.
