As I sit here back in San Juan with the rest of my squad, tears of sadness roll down my face as I feel a deep heaviness weigh me down.
It didn’t hit me until I got back to San Juan just how completely blessed I have been this past month.
Raul & Zanza and the entire church family that we have been ministering to this past month in Azua put on a special church service last night just for us. They wanted to thank us and present us with gifts for choosing to work with them. As I sat in the church pew while surrounded with the children I have befriended over these past few weeks with tears streaming down my face, I felt so convicted that the people who should have been standing in front of the church should have been the 15 of us. These people have poured out their lives and have given us so much this month. I feel like we will never be able to repay them for the kindness they have shown. My heart breaks. For our selfishness. For our lack of awareness. For our dependence on worldly things. But then God reminds me of the work we have done and the leaders we have raised up in the church. The teenage boys and girls at the church are incredibly mature and I am completely confident that the work that God has started in them has just begun and will flourish in His timing.
After the service last night, the entire church prayed for us and then the hugs and tears began. As I hugged the kids that I have given pieces of my hearts to, I felt my heart shattering little by little. To see Christ through them and to have to say goodbye, ….forever – while placing every ounce of trust in a faithful God knowing that He will take care of each and every one of them.
It was extremely hard to say goodbye all over again this morning to Raul and Zanza and their 2 kids, Samuel and Rebecca and all of the teenage kids from the church. I was dreading going back to San Juan only to be crammed into the “green” house with 40 girls sharing 2 bathrooms and having no ability to cook. But moreso coming back to the darkness that this city holds.
And to think that this is the first of many heart-wrenching goodbyes I will have this year..
As I got off the bus in San Juan and started heading back to the house, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was talking to God and was overwhelmed by the heaviness and darkness that surrounded me. I finally realized that I have felt so safe and so secure and comfortable this past month in Azua. Probably because we were working specifically with Christians. We weren’t really exposed to the darkness of the city. I truly felt like the lifestyle we were living in Azua was like my home away from home.
And now it is back to the “reality” of the race..back to what I signed up for. It was confirmed in my heart while talking to God that He has called me to the darkness and this heaviness is not going to go away. I am about to go through areas filled with oppression, depression, evilness, etc. and this is only the beginning. It is all starting to hit me as to what is to come.
I didn’t sign up to travel around the world in comfort. I didn’t sign up to travel the world for selfish reasons, for a vacation, to site see. I have been constantly praying for brokenness and God has assured me that it is coming, and when it comes I will be an absolute beautiful mess…. for His sake, for His glory. And for that alone, I am bathing in His joy.
Funny how as I’m writing this blog, my ipod is playing this song that seems to fit oh so perfectly with my heart right now…
I won’t walk this road to comfort
The beaten path is for the beaten man
I don’t live here any longer
Packed up and moved away
I’m headed north up to revival
Forward my mail to the state of change
And I hear that there are others
Who’ve made the change as well
After truth has been discovered
About a call from You to go and tell
Go and tell, go and tell…
[the song “Changing States” by Justin Barnard]
