weird.
I keep getting asked whats it like to be home? and the only word i can think of to even begin to describe it is this.
I’ve been on American soil now for about 4 days and back in Dallas 3. I stayed the night in LA and got to see an old teammate Melissa. it was perfect! Kimbo and i and her all shared a room, thanks to an awesome friend… love you Smooth! when we were checking in the man at the front desk before even talking to us said something along the lines of “wow, you guys just shine with joy, you seem so different.” ha random choice of words there? or Jesus? so it was a perfect conversation starter to the first of many about what God has done this past year. I can only hope and pray that those conversations are enriching the lives of others through what God has shown me. this is my ministry now. to share this past year with others.
Once in the room, i realize I had TWO pillows to sleep on… TWO. I was excited. only it was almost midnight in LA, but my body thought it is 1PM the next day. so I got about 3 hours of sleep and woke up in time for the sunrise.
seeing US customs… weird.
sitting in the airport terminal alone and having to take my things with me to the bathroom because there is no one behind to watch them for me… weird.
flushing toilet paper… weird.
not having to convert money in my head because the ratio is 1 to 1… weird.
not being able to finish any portion of a meal here… weird.
not having Kimbo, Nat, Tommy aka Chad :] or Daniel around to fill time with conversation but a TV instead… weird.
realizing that i can understand everyones conversations and that i can now speak English again and then trying to remember HOW to speak English that is not broken… weird.
im beginning to wonder too when the point on the race was that it felt more normal for me to be around people that look and talk nothing like me over people that do?… weird.
I went to Watermark for the first time in 11 months last night. i was excited for English speaking worship again, but suddenly overwhelmed by all the people. My beautiful squadmate happened to be visiting a friend in Dallas who goes to Watermark too and so Jessica got to come to church with me! half way through the service i realize:
1. I’ve lost my attention to sit and listen for so long in a corporate church service when im able to understand what they are saying
2. I felt more at home, more myself and more comfortable sitting next to Jess than anything else in that moment. they say home is where the heart is and thats when i realized my heart was still with the 60 people i had been living with 24/7 all year. the 60 people I had just parted ways with days before. the 60 people who were once just strangers too, but soon became who I did life with and the 60 people who walked alongside me touching lives around the world, but none more changed by them than my own.
^P Squad at our final dinner together!
its now 6AM, im in my own bed with abbey in my lap and im alone. im still completely jet-lagged, the worse on the race by far. im hungry when i should be sleeping and sleeping when i should be eating.
i write all this because for the first time yesterday i realized re-adjusting to home is going to take some time. it is going to be hard. i feel like a foreigner in my own country. waking up for the first time in 11 months without any of my P squad family near me is well just weird. but them i remembered i felt weird on the race too when we were the only Christians in the area. it was weird living in a house with 40 other strangers month 1 in the Dominican Republic… everything that we are familiar to at one point in time was new and weird to us. AND thats what believing in Jesus feels like, no matter where you are… we SHINE His light and we’re suppose to stand out of the crowd. only now, my skin color blends me into the crowd, which makes it even more challenging to be Jesus’ light in a world full of darkness.
Don’t’ get me wrong, I am SO blessed to be back home with my family. to get to hug them everyday. to have a comfy bed to sleep in and a warm shower. to have my kitties 24/7. I’m not ungrateful. I just miss the simple life. America is overwhelming and we have so much more than anywhere in the world. it is just going to take some time to get use to home, but to start fresh also and learn how to hear God’s voice in an environment I’ve had a life in before. My thoughts are constantly about the people I met around the world and how they are living life right now. I thank God for that constant reminder. I thank God for my supportive family. I thank God for my P squad family. I thank God for all the memories of this past year that now define WHO i am today in HIM. I thank God for a new season in my life and that the chapter may be done but the book isn’t finished yet. that life is only but a bunch of chapters connected together. that i will never forget this past year and the people in it. and I thank God for His protection and provision no matter where I am around the world. He never changes. I am going to take this day by day, with His Spirit leading me where ever that may be. As Tommy said: “Let’s make the most of it!”
