Sometimes my head knowledge does not translate to my heart. I
am in a place of seeking the Lord. I am in a place a finding my identity in
Him. So why do I still believe the lies? The lies that plague my heart,
stealing my joy and robbing me of the peace that is only found in Him. Why do I
live in a state of comparison, a state of the what ifs and whys? Why me or even sometimes worse the why not
me? My flesh and my heart are so fickle.
In seconds I can turn my gaze from Him to the things of this world. Getting
lost in the world, losing myself in the things that are fading in front of my
eyes.
I get lost in the things this world has to offer, the ways
of this world and even the hurts. As I sit
here in my mattress bed in Dar es Salaam reading “Through the Painted Deserts”
by Donald Miller, I was struck with a quote that met me where my heart is:
“This is what we were made for, to watch the beauty fill up
earth’s canvas, to make dirt come alive; like fairy dust, making trees and
cacti and humans from the magic of its propulsion. It makes me wonder, now, how easily the brain
can be tricked out of what it was supposed to feel, how easily the brain can be
tricked by somebody who has a used car to sell, a new perfume, whatever. You will
feel what you were made to feel if you buy this thing I am selling. But could
the thing you were supposed to feel the thing you were supposed to be, cost
nothing?”
Instead of looking to the world, instead of struggling to
find love and satisfaction in things that were not meant to last, why do I not
look to the eternal? To the Creator, my
author and perfector. Why is it so hard
to realize that what I have been longing for, chasing after, was actually
pursuing me?
The Lord is working in my heart.
Changing me, breaking off the old and recreating the new. It is a beautiful
thing. But sometimes I ache in these growing pains. Sometimes I doubt. But to
be reminded of what I was created for and by whom, is a beautiful thing.
“He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that
we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been
healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the
Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” 1 Peter 2:24-25
