I feel naked.
Because for the first time in 5 years, my hands are bare.
The place on my left finger where my purity ring once was is now empty.
Last night I took it off.
Now before any of your minds start running away…I didn’t take it off because I lost my virginity and had to take it off. That wasn’t the case. I chose to take it off.
Let me explain.
6 days ago I was journaling to God. More like complaining, pouting, questioning, and crying to God. For the last couple weeks I have been struggling BAD with comparison. I could literally feel a battle between my spirit and my flesh and for a minute…I thought my flesh was going to win.
I felt like I had somehow sunken back into a place of complacency… I didn’t want to…but yet here I was. Loving God, but not letting Him change my life to glorify Him. Just…going through the motions. It’s sadly an all too easy things to slip into. And I had once again been caught in the trap.
But thank God for His relentless love. My heart was unsettled. I came to a place where I would rather turn away completely or surrender everything and jump in heart first. I was tired of the battle and it was time for a victory to be won.
That’s when I journaled. My heart lay exposed and bare before the Lord. All of it…the beautiful and the ugly, strewn across the pages of my journal. And you know what? He showed up. And I surrendered a part of me I knew He had been asking for but thus far I had refused. So that was good. But. Why did I still feel like there was more? What else did He want?
I started reading the book Kingdom Journeys again and I read about abandonment and brokenness. The people who went on their Kingdom Journey left their home, family, friends, job, school, possessions…
Okay God, I’m leaving those things too…but I’m not broken yet…
Then I read that beyond that, each person gave up something else too…Something that was such a piece of their life that by abandoning it they felt like they were giving up a part of themselves.
One girl was a fashion designer and she gave up all of her cute clothes…and it broke her.
Another girl who thought her life depended on makeup…gave it up. She gave up her mask and was broken.
Their abandonment led them to brokenness which led them both to truly live a real life, wholly surrendered to Christ.
I want that.
In my heart I asked, what else do I have to give up? My universe doesn’t depend on makeup or clothes…not even food. So then what?
My heart pondered that for a couple of days and then it found the answer.
My ring. I had my ring to surrender for my Lord.
A purity ring? What’s the big deal about a purity ring, you might ask.
If my life could be symbolized by one object…it would probably be this ring.
That’s a lot of symbolism for one little, simple ring. But to me, it had been much more than a purity ring. I’d like to call it my “ring of waiting.”
Because every day it reminded me that I was waiting. But more than just waiting for marriage until I had sex. I was waiting on a man. Waiting for tomorrow. Waiting for my life to “really” begin.
And every day I put my life on hold. Waiting.
In that ring laid so many of my dreams and my hopes. Dreams and hopes that rested on a man, hoping one day he would come. And then we could begin life together.
Every day it reminded me that I’m single. Still waiting. But if I was lucky, sometimes it would get mistaken for a wedding ring and I’d get some misplaced satisfaction and fleeting security in the fact that for a moment I had a bogus husband. That I was taken. Loved. That I belonged to someone.
A little ridiculous, right? But I’m just being real here.
In that ring I put my identity and my worth.
When your relationship status determines your identity, something is wrong. But yet, there mine rested.
Society tells you that you “need” to be with someone to be accepted, to be worth anything, to be desirable.
Well. I’m flying solo. So where does that leave me?
With that ring of waiting on, I would enviously look at other cute couples around and at girls who were no longer waiting for their man to show up. Oh how nice that must be. To no longer have to wait.
Sometimes I’ve even wondered if it would ever be replaced by a wedding ring or if I would forever be wearing my ring of waiting.
I had put my life on hold, waiting for the next thing.
Waiting till I’m older. Waiting till I finish school. Waiting for a husband. Waiting for babies. Waiting until I’m wiser. Waiting till I’m more experienced. Waiting until I’ve learned so much more about God. Waiting for my goals to be accomplished. Waiting for my dreams to be fulfilled. Waiting to be someone else. Waiting to take God for who He really is. Waiting to accept my worth in Him. Waiting to find my identity in Him. Waiting until/for/to _______ …you fill in the blank.
I was waiting.
But God spoke to me at the end of my ranting and He said, “Stop waiting. You’ve waited long enough. …You’ve waited long enough.”
I’ve been waiting for all the wrong things.
I wanted to abandon something that was a part of me? Last night, I found the answer to my question. A few days before, I had surrendered a “piece”, but that night, I was going to surrender the whole thing, the root and not just a leaf…
When I look at my ring, the metal is worn down and now formed to the shape of my finger, but to be honest, my heart has been worn down and molded to the shape of the ring. My ring had become a part of me.
And I took it off. I abandoned it all. And I was broken.
Now when I look at my hands…empty and bare…I no longer find an object that constrains my heart, reminds me that I’m waiting, has me comparing myself with anyone else, nor holds my identity. When I look at my hands now, I smile because I am abandoned…broken…and free. My heart will not be molded by a piece of metal but only formed like clay into the shape of the heart of my Creator, my Abba, the Lover of my soul.
This is not some feministic rant and I am not denying my desire or even need for a man, a husband, but I am instead giving place to an even greater desire, the one for my Savior, to be wholly and completely His, and content in His heart and will until He chooses to place that special man in my life at the right time.
I am still waiting. But I am waiting in God. Waiting as He says stay and waiting until He says go, waiting when He is silent and waiting until He speaks, waiting for Him to say yes and waiting for Him to say no, waiting in His Presence but not lagging behind.
No longer am I going to wait to do what God has called me to do.
No longer am I waiting to surrender my all.
No longer am I waiting to abandon everything.
No longer am I waiting to be broken.
No longer am I waiting to live. Really live.
No longer am I waiting for a man to complete me nor to begin my life.
No longer am I waiting in a state of complacency.
No longer am I going to stand in a place of comparison and insecurity based on “my life vs. theirs.”
No longer will my identity be wrapped up in any man, but only in ONE man and that man is JESUS.
No longer will I place my life on hold for anything less than God’s will for my life.
No longer will I let my dreams get in the way of God’s dreams for me.No longer am I going to stand in a place of comparison and insecurity based on “my life vs. theirs.”
No longer will my identity be wrapped up in any man, but only in ONE man and that man is JESUS.
No longer will I place my life on hold for anything less than God’s will for my life.
No longer will I let my dreams get in the way of God’s dreams for me.
Today let me ask you a question…what are you waiting for?
You might not have a ring that symbolizes your life…your symbol of abandonment might not be the same or look anything close to mine.
But have you come to that place of full surrender, of brokenness, and stepped into true life?
It’s time to stop waiting. The time is now.
Give God your all. Surrender the deepest part of you and see what He does.
It will be quite the adventure. 🙂
All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
I surrender all,
I surrender all.
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.
All to Jesus I surrender,
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel Thy Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.
All to Jesus I surrender,
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power,
Let Thy blessing fall on me.
All to Jesus I surrender,
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory to His name!
