I don’t have a ton of special talents, but if you’ll allow me to brag, I can sleep. I’ve slept through earthquake tremors, hurricanes and even long walks. I’ve managed to sleep on any couch, in tents, on rocks, beaches, trampolines, pools, airplanes, buses, cars, boats, roofs, movie theaters… I can’t do everything well, but I can fall asleep.
It’s not often I have trouble slipping into my REM cycle, yet earlier this week, after 45 hours awake, I still could not rest.
It started with a prayer. My team stood in a circle one night, praying for rest. I felt a strong urge to speak, not knowing what I wanted to pray for exactly. I asked for us to be aware of the spiritual battles we fight against. I became so passionate, and it startled me, because it was out of character. I looked at my hands as they shook in my teammates’. After we opened our eyes I wanted to shrink away from my team. I was frightened by my own voice.
I got ready for bed and sat on my bunk, and I decided to pray for my team. I spent a long time praying for each teammate, ending with each that they would be able to sleep well. I got halfway through the last one when I got a bad cough. I didn’t want to wake everyone up, obviously, so I went outside to cough. I coughed for about 15 minutes, and it didn’t seem like it was going to stop. I tried to sleep on the couch in the community area of the hostel so that I wouldn’t wake anyone up with my cough. After trying to fall asleep for an hour or two, I felt restless and unsettled. I walked outside and paced the border of the pool.
“Okay, God, looks like I won’t sleep, so let’s talk.”
Found this book in the classroom today at the Christian school we are working with this month. I felt a real connection with the protagonist of the story.
With only the sounds of bats flying above me and cats fighting behind me, I prayed for four hours that night. Throughout our conversation, God convicted me of how I always pray for comforts and safety, when the more abundant life Christ promises is one filled with challenges, dangers and, yes, true fulfillment. For the first time, I asked for God to bring me trials so that I could depend on Him. I also realized that night how God has freed me from so much on the race so far. I realized I am much less concerned by what people think of me. (This blog would not have happened two months ago.) I realized I have no idea where I’m going in life, and I trust God enough to be okay with that. I didn’t know why I couldn’t sleep or why God wouldn’t make me feel better physically immediately, but I trusted God enough not to be too upset about it.
It was a good night. A hard night, but good.
That day I struggled to rest, but I could not fall asleep because I was still unsettled and in a lot of pain from a dengue relapse. I was so blessed, though. I felt so joyful for the time I got to spend with God the night before.
We traveled to a different city that day. Once we got to our hostel I was so ready to sleep (it had been 36 hours at that point.) I got ready for bed and laid down, expecting to fall easily to sleep.
Nope.
Loud music blasted through the hostel. Apparently, it was ladies’ night in the lobby. I felt a good bit of disdain for mariachi music at that point. It was then that I was frustrated that I could not sleep. I began to wish I was back in the hospital where I could at least fall asleep. (It’s pretty bad when you are nostalgic for dengue.) I had terrible thoughts… I felt distance from God. Like the great night before never happened.
My team got back from watching a football game, and I was not a pleasant person.
I knew I should ask for prayer from my teammates, but I thought to myself, they are going to have to ask me what’s wrong. (Not helpful of me.)
With some prompting, I finally began to share to the girls on my team what was going on. The unsettledness, the dark thoughts, the pain…
They helped me recognize the lies I was struggling with and prayed for me. The pain in my chest almost immediately went away. It took a few more hours, but I finally fell asleep and slept in until 10 (unheard of on the race.)
What I learned from my battle with insomnia: Trust God + ask for help.
