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As I slipped the box cutter in my pocket to avoid the need
for a workman’s comp event, I suddenly became aware of the comfort I still find
in that simple motion – a frightening realization after all this time. A twinge
of guilt followed closely behind at just the thought.  it’s been years since I
have carried a box cutter.

Years later, I know that “comfort” is nothing but a lie, a
pit you step into and fall into your own personal hell. Years later I know that it is only with God’s help that I stay out of that pit. I may like others to think I’m strong and have it all together – it’s that independent thing again – but the truth is I know my weakness here.

 “Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous
sins; let them not have
dominion over me. . . Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be
acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.” Psalm
19:13-14

I have noticed the struggle to get out of bed lately, the
restless nights, the barrage of thoughts that attack me and enough is enough. It is a struggle
every year around this time, but I am declaring right now that I will not be
pushed around by the enemy – I am not his to push around.

The words that are uttered from my lips will be words that
are encouraging – words that are proclaiming truth and life. The meditations of
my heart will be those based in the Word of God and nothing else.
 
And so after “uh oh this isn’t good” and a bit of panic at the realization that I would even go there for a brief moment in my mind….. I’m ok because my strength comes from the Lord. He is my Redeemer and once again I am reminded of His mercy, His faithfulness and His great love. He isn’t shocked or surprised and His love isn’t diminished by my weakness.
 
And there is still a world out there that needs to be shown that love…