I sat in the sunshine soaking up the warm rays. Next to me lay a log and a marker. “God what is it you want me to surrender?” The quick answer: fear, pride, self-hatred. Ouch! Ashamedly I wrote those on my log and turned it over in the hopes that no one would see. My coaches, Mike and Patti, prayed over me and released me on my journey.
As I started walking I felt like I was fighting for me life. Staring at the words on that log made me feel worthless and ashamed. Every leader I passed by on the journey I tried to avoid eye contact with. At one point I got off on the wrong trail. I thought I was wrong but I didn’t want to feel stupid going back to ask (pride…) but it made me tremble to think of getting lost (fear….). I walked on and met several people walking the trails. I can only imagine what they thought of this girl walking around on the verge of tears carrying a log. I tried to salvage my pride by coming up to the correct trail without being noticed, but of course several team members noticed me and I had to admit that I had gone the wrong way. Needless to say by the time I reached the next leader I was more than willing to be prayed for because this walk was certainly not going the way I wanted it. As Jenny prayed over me she thanked God for the joy that I bring (what joy??) and she thanked God for the trust I have in Him that is so evident (Jenny did you forget who you’re praying for??). Yes the parantheses are what was going on in my head, but as I walked away I heard the gentle voice that said “Stephanie she was praying truth over you. Stop listening to all the lies.”
As the journey continued I reached the hill from hell, well that’s what I’m going to call it. That fear got a lot larger. I needed two hands to climb this but one had to keep holding on to the log. It was awkward and frustrating and several times I almost slipped. At one point I was trembling so bad I could barely move. I finally reached the top and had to lie down just to breathe. Casey came over and asked how I was doing. I wanted to give the look that said, “I mean really do you have to ask? Do I look like I’m doing ok?!” As we talked and I tried to avoid eye contact Casey went just a little uncomfortably deep. She was right on in the discernment and I hated and loved her for it in that moment. She prayed for me and then said, “Turn around and keep going, it’s time to face some more fears.” We both knew I wasn’t ready to surrender that log yet.
The second mountain wasn’t as steep but it seemed to go on forever. I was tired. But there was something different. I could hear the voice of the Father bringing Scripture to mind and every time I didn’t think I could take another step someone would be there to say, “It’s ok. You’re almost there. You can do it.” I cannot express in words the joy of stumbling to the top and seeing the cross a couple of hours after setting out on this journey. All I could do was kneel down and cry.
And as I stood to my feet I felt free but more than a feeling I knew that I could leave it there and not pick it back up. I could hear the Father singing over me words of love… His love for me because perfect love casts out all fear. I’m a daughter of the King. I’m worth it. I’m humbled by this love.
