Every day, ALL day, I think about things to blog about. Which makes me chuckle because I was NOT excited about blogging. Funny how the Lord changes our hearts… haha.
This post has taken me a long time to write.
I am scared.
It is a post that will let you into my inner most being.
It will create a big enough hole to allow you to peer into the depths of my heart.
That scares me.
I am afraid of judgment, of rejection, of being wounded again.
This may be elementary knowledge to some, but it was deeply profound when God whispered it to my heart.
The Lord GAVE me my story.
It is perfectly crafted. He did not make a mistake.
How could I not share a story created by the greatest author?
The crazy begins in high school.
I consumed myself with orchestra and TSA (Technology Student Association. Nerdy I know…).
I was determined to be the best.
At the violin, in architecture, in general.
It was my DREAM to attend architecture school at A&M.
I remember the day I received my acceptance letter.
Pretty sure I let out a high pitch squeal and fell to my knees crying because I could not comprehend that A&M saw potential in me.
I was going to school with one purpose: to become the best architect ever.
There was no time for friends, for other classes, for boys.
It was all about architecture.
I LIVED at the architecture school.
Well, like most plans, things got in the way.
I met a boy…
Who captivated my heart from the moment I saw him.
All of a sudden, I had a new purpose.
To be his girlfriend.
To be the most beautiful girl.
The skinniest.
The best clothed.
The one with the prettiest hair.
etc.
I would not eat.
I would count the hours I spent in the gym.
I wasn’t focused on class.
I was consumed with being this boy’s girlfriend.
Was he satisfied with everything I was trying to become?
Just in case, I gave him everything.
It destroyed me.
I felt empty.
Dissatisfied.
Alone.
Nothing could fill the aching I felt within my soul.
Well, this boy and I, we broke up.
It felt like a rug was pulled from beneath my feet.
I was falling.
Quickly.
And little did I know that I was falling into the arms of my Savior.
Praise the Lord for my precious sister and her friends.
Through them, the Lord taught me about His love.
He had captivated my heart.
I was on fire for Him.
I ran, as fast as I could, into His arms.
No looking back.
The Lord began to move within my heart.
He began to teach me about His love, and show me what it meant to have a personal relationship with Him.
Fast-forward to senior year of college…
I met a boy.
This is a unique story.
We met online.
He was from Germany.
This love story began differently.
We were both chasing after the Lord.
Desiring nothing but bringing glory to God through our relationship.
I spent 3 months in Germany.
I gave him everything.
How could this happen? Again??
We were FOCUSED on God.
We FEARED God.
We WANTED God.
Well, this boy and I, we broke up.
The relationship became about each other and not about God.
God taught me a lot.
He taught me about my SINFUL FLESH.
About my NEED FOR HIM.
That He is the ONLY one WHO CAN SATISFY MY SOUL.
He is EVERYTHING I NEED.
He is ALL OF ME.
I am thankful for every part of my story.
Without it, I would not be where I am today.
While I was in Germany,
The Lord showed me the needs across the nations.
He gave me a desire to go beyond my boundaries to serve.
He opened my eyes to His work in other countries.
He gave me a heart to reach out to the lost.
To reach to the places that most people are not willing to go.
So, here I am.
Writing this blog.
Preparing to go on the World Race.
Ready to abandon my reality for God’s.
This is a beautiful mess.
