Beware: I’m feeling discouraged and don’t have many answers for anything today.
How did I get here? How did I get to the point where I am almost 30, not married, no children, no job, certainly not a career? But the one thing I do have, a car that I still owe payments on.
I am obedient to God, I try to live a life that glorifies and follows Him, I have a college education, and yet I can’t seem to get a job with my degree. Can’t get a job outside of my degree either because I either don’t have the right degree or don’t have the necessary experience (which I can’t get because all the jobs require you already have experience to get them…doesn’t even make sense).
Now ultimately, I do trust that God is good and He uses me and will continue to use me somehow and that He has plans for what is next. I also know though that it’s highly unlikely a job will just fall into my lap and so that means I need to pursue things, and apply to things, and so forth; however, this whole job searching is getting old and super discouraging.
Today is a hard day in the job search. It’s been stormy most of the morning which makes me just want to lay around and watch TV and have just a chill/easy day doing just about nothing. But then, the responsible dependent part of me wants to just go get a job and move back out and move on with life. But then, the part of me that is more in tune to God and faith knows that I can’t just snap my fingers and everything fall into place, that I can’t just hope to find a job and immediately it happens.
Maybe the hardest part is that I have a pretty blank slate that I could do anything and go anywhere, and I don’t even know what I really want to do or where I want to go. I could go finish my Master’s, I could pursue a new Master’s somewhere cheaper, I could move to another state or country, I can work in a multitude of places (or so that’s what my education and past experiences would tell me), my future is wide open. Maybe the hardest part though, is that when I ponder the question
“If money were no object, what would you do?”
I don’t really have an answer. Maybe something with kids, or sports, or God, or music, or writing, or numbers. I don’t know. I’m not sure I even care, I just want to make the necessary money to pay the bills I already have, and pay rent somewhere. It’s hard to because I’m not even hopeful of all that much.
But then I look at those around me. Specifically, someone without a college education but with an almost 6 figure job. Maybe not the happiest in their job, but a job they do well, continue to move up in, and pays for the lifestyle they want. I don’t even want 1/3 of what they have, nor do I want that type of pay, I just want a job so that I can do my duty of working, pay my bills, live in my own place, do my own thing, and serve God and further His kingdom however possible with that job and the time outside of work.
I know that not all my thoughts on this are good or perfect, I know not all of my seeking is accurate. But can I just be real raw for a minute…
I have some low expectations of this season of life, and I can’t even seem to get those expectations filled/met and that leaves for some pretty crummy feelings.
All that to say, my time in the mountains did not bring about any answers, no new job leads, no new job, no change in living arrangements, or life really. What I do know is that trusting God and sitting waiting for what’s next is really difficult and uncomfortable, but if you’re looking for me, that’s where I’ll be.
God’s got this and as hard as today is, as hard as this season and week is, I’m going to continue to choose to trust Him and whatever it is He has next.
By the way, it is totally possible to be hurt and sad and confused and discouraged, AND STILL follow and trust God’s plan.
Feel free to be praying that doors would open, that I would begin to see God’s plan for this time. That I would begin to understand, see, know, whatever that job that God has for this season or starting now. That God would provide in this time, both spiritually, but also physically. I am ready for what’s next, I just need to know what it is so I can do it. Pray that I would continue to seek and rely on Him because He is the only one who knows what all is going on and happening right now, He’s the only one with the blueprints.
