“When you speak, when you move, when do what only you can do, it changes what we see & what we seek.”
My last blog was written on March 10th. At that time, I was ultimately bruised & broken by what was going on in my life. I became the champion of poker faces & smiles. I don’t think anyone really knew how broken I actually was. I prayed everyday, multiple times a day for God to take the battle I was fighting away. Each visit to the doctor & to treatment was just another reminder that I still had Cancer. I remember thinking “Lord, I am begging you to take this pain & suffering away, WHY aren’t you?” Week after week of still fighting it, I became less less dependent on my faith & the Lord.
When I was first diagnosed, it was well with my soul. My faith was stronger ever. But, months into the battle, I became weak & weary. I began questioning “why me?” “Why would God give me this battle when I was wanting to head out to the field?” “If you are the God you proclaim, why do I still have this battle when I am begging you to take it back?” Thousands of questions rushed my head, every minute, of every day. I simply gave up on the Lord & his ability to heal with out wonder.
When I “lost hope,” I began putting my body to the test. I rode roller coasters multiple times, I went skydiving again, I went hiking a lot & in the back of my head I knew I wasn’t really supposed to be doing any of it, but I didn’t care. If God didn’t want to take this battle away from me, then I wasn’t going to dim my life for it or try to stay healthy to help the process of recovery.
Before every treatment in the past, my family & I would always pray. But, on Chemo day on April 22, I told my grandma I did not want to pray. If she did, she could to herself, but not with me. It took everyone off guard & I didn’t give a reason, but deep down I was done with having hope & believing in something that wasn’t helping me in my eyes. They prayed anyways. The following Tuesday, my Oncologist’s office called wanting to see me & Wednesday, April 29th, I went in for what I thought was going to be: A- a checkup or B-more bad news. Both of the doctor’s from the practice came in the exam room. They had this look on their face that is indescribable. My heart sank. It sank so far, I think I felt it in my stomach. I KNEW bad news was about to be brought to me. They started off by saying “We don’t know what has happened.” I quickly began crying. They proceeded to say “the results from the scan after your treatment last week are astonishing. We can’t find your tumor anywhere. We have viewed your result hundreds of times & there is nothing there but a shadow of where it used to be. You are tumor free & your blood work is clear as well. It is amazing!” I began to sob. I have never ever cried that hard before & I just knew that God was proving himself to me. I knew he took my pain & battle away on that day to prove to me that even when I have lost hope in him, he still has hope in me.
It has been 3 months since I received the good news. I am still attending doctor’s appointments for continuing check ups. I have scans & blood work done weekly to make sure there are no signs of it returning. But, what has returned is my faith & hope. It is stronger than ever. I have witnessed a miracle in my own life & there are no words to describe it, honestly. My heart is so full.
Since gaining my faith back, the Lord has rewarded me in so many ways. I have received an interview opportunity for my dream job, which I am thankful for. But, the more I think about what I see myself doing, it is this race. More than anything in the world, it is the race. I am awaiting the new routes to be released before praying about where God wants me. This is my heart & plan & I will fulfill it. I am back in the game people & I am going to win this game!
Thank you to all who have supported me & prayed for me these past few months. The support & love has meant more than words will ever express. My Cancer battle will always be a journey for me, but it will never over power this journey. This is just the beginning.
“Nothing can stop God’s plan for your life.” -Isaiah 14:27
