I’m sorry in advance if all of this seems scattered, contradicting, or confusing. It’s the same in my head at the moment and I’m not sure what to do about it but I’ve slowly been learning through conversations with the Lord.
Growing up in the church, I think I started to lose sight of what it looks like to live for Jesus daily. Living in the culture that we do, it’s pretty typical for a majority of people in America to say they “believe in God, go to church, and try to be a good person in the things that they do”. But is that really what we are called to? To say we are a Christian because we show up at church most Sunday’s, believe there is a God, and maybe have a cool tattoo of a bible verse or a cross for all to see. Believe me, this has been a DAILY struggle for me. I know all the cliche Sunday School answers, I’ve heard time and time again the truths of what God thinks about me and his people, and I’ve gotten real good at reciting those things.
How often do I live those things out in a full abandonment of myself?
I’ve been learning a lot lately how devastating sin is and the effect it has on people. In my own life, I’ve been slapped in the face time and time again with this truth. SIN AND GOD CANNOT COEXIST. There is a reason Christ had to come. It wasn’t because God just wanted to give up his Son to make a cool story out of it. Christ literally was the sacrifice that had to be made in order for us to be cleansed of the sin we were born into. He HAD to be sacrificed due to the fact that sin (us) and holiness (God) can not coexist, live in harmony, share space in someone’s life. This is something that I’m learning daily. When I’m CHOOSING the sinful desires of my flesh, I am REJECTING the living God. I am pushing myself farther and farther away, coming away with a harder heart, and a spirit that is deprived from it’s source. Sin cannot be taken lightly because it is literally ripping me apart. It rips humanity apart.
So then there’s Jesus. He is the bridge between sin (me) and holiness (God). He is more than just a Savior. He is my LIFE. I was DEAD in my sin. I was DEAD in my flesh. I am only ALIVE due to the fact that He loved so deeply that he wanted that sin gone. He wanted relationship. He pursued me in a way no lover ever will be able to do. He wanted me to be FREE. Free from death now and for eternity. Not to be taken lightly. He came to DESTROY death.
Now what does that look like on my part? This is the area I’ve struggled with. I know that my salvation does not come by works, by nothing that I do, or even based on the the bad things that I do because I am forgiven through Christ.
BUT I do not want to live out a lazy faith. Jesus did not come to die so that I could continue to live in my sin. He came to bring abundant life, and in that life is freedom from my sin. Yet time and time again I feel like Paul in Romans where he writes about the war inside us, battling life and death:
14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
So as I sit and wonder why I am stagnant in my growth with the Lord, I’ve noticed how lazy I’ve been. Why do I just sit around praying passively that He will change me and the things around me, but continue to hold on to those things that are weighing me down. I sit in a depressed state wondering why I can’t seem to find purpose right now, yet fail and neglect my time with the Lord. I’ve been learning that it is not easy. With growth comes things that are hard to let go of. It can be a painful process, but it is a FREEING process. Yet a lot of the times I don’t want to face it. I contradict myself of saying I want change, but then don’t have the will or motivation to put any effort into that change. Spiritual health is just as important as physical, if not way more.
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When beginning to write this, I really had no idea how to end this thought. I think at the back of my mind I continued to struggle, thinking that I needed to do something in order for God to fully love me. Friends, that is not the truth and it never will be. I was at a small group last night and God spoke to me in a way that was so deep, so real, and so simple. A group of about 5 of us were praying over each other and the gifts that God had given all of us. One of my brothers in Christ gave me encouragement, some words that were straight from the Lord. He said:
“I just have a feeling that you are longing for something so deep…so intimate. You just want to know the Father’s heart and that is it. There is nothing you can do besides just listen to that. Lean in close and just listen to His heart. Just BE with Him. He wants to treasure you, as His beautiful and precious daughter. He just wants to hold you. Nothing you do will change that. And as you go and are just walking with Him, letting the Lord woo you to His heart, the automatic response to walking with him will be an outpouring of love. Just know Him and love Him, and all those other things will follow.”
This is a letter to you all, as well as myself: Do not worry about everything that is wrong with you. Don’t sit in your guilt and shame. It doesn’t change how Jesus feels about you. When you feel like you have to do in order to receive, you are missing out on the freedom that is in Christ. Be reminded that He is our portion forever. He is the treasure. He just wants us to come to Him.
Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I shall give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
So friends, do not neglect precious time with the Lord. I cannot change anything on my own, I cannot make myself a “better person”. I am wretched and weak. I can do NOTHING without my Father. The more I am filled with Him, the less I am filled with myself. This is what it looks like to live for Jesus daily: BE with Him. Be an imitator of Him. Simply know Him and continue to know His heart, and all those other things will follow. It’s not a list of do’s and don’t’s. It’s simply allowing your Father to love and treasure you, and in response, do the same.
Please let me know your thoughts, experiences, and prayers in this area. I would love to be an encouragement as well as be encouraged by you. Once again, thank you for taking the time to read 🙂
