Thirty, Engaged and Squad Leading: Maybe He’ll Give You Both
It happened. I turned thirty. The flirty and thriving part isn’t at all what I envisioned, it isn’t better or worse, it’s just completely different.
I celebrated my birthday in the remote hills of Nepal in a temporary post-earthquake house with a family I had known for less than a week. Heavy rain knocked the power out the night before and, ironically, filtered water ran dry. Sweat residu stained my clothes from the strain of summiting a mountain the day before and, despite my baby wipe scrubbing, dirt still darkened my skin in splotchy layers. Turning thirty felt more like dirty and surviving than flirty and thriving yet I’ve never felt more alive.
Exactly one year ago I sat across from my squad mentor, Chris, eating hot pot in Mongolia discussing the pros and cons of accepting his invitation to squad lead five months after getting home from my Race.
World Race Expedition. Overlanding Asian terrain and pioneering new countries for the World Race while bringing the gospel to unreached tribes in the 10/40 window. A chance to continue this Kingdom Journey by stepping into new levels of abandonment, brokenness and dependence while discipling a select group of adventurous racers to do the same.
“I mean, it sounds like an amazing opportunity but i’m not sure i’m cut out for it”. I started.
What I really meant was, I’m not sure I’m up for another six months of living like a nomad, trading the securities and comforts of home for a life easily misunderstood as an experience.
Knowing the race was much more than a short term adventure, Chris just nodded the way he does, dipped his horse meat in hot sauce and continued listening.
“And … “ I paused … “I’ll turn thirty on the field”
“…and…I really don’t want to be a thirty year old single missionary.” Thinking this offer was a choice between missions and marriage. Leadership or Love.
He wasn’t bothered by my hesitations and verbal processing. He knew that I knew, this was exactly the next step for me. Selecting his next piece of juicy Mongolian meat Chris paused, shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know, Steph, maybe God will give you both”.
I laughed. Yeah right. I thought. I’ll be home for five months.
Well, Chris was right. Fast forward 11 months and my fiancé, Sean, joined our squad in Nepal for two weeks where we got to do ministry, together, one month before my thirtieth birthday. I still can’t believe it, God gave me both.
I used to think Love was something I had to go out and get, taking what I could without being rejected yet afraid of being disappointed. But i’ve discovered the opposite. Love is to be received. God is Love and Love gives, generously.
I wish I could say the reality of receiving God’s generous “both” has been easy but that would be false. Suddenly my commitment to squad lead Expedition went from trusting God with my desire for love and marriage to allowing the preparation for love and marriage to unfold in an unconventional way. Living in God’s abundance isn’t a prosperity thing, it’s a heart thing.
From pre-marriage counselling over spotty wifi and wedding planning from the other side of the world in the midst of pioneering ministry in foreign countries and leading a group of courageous yet broken people, I have come to the end of myself more often than I’d care to admit.
I’ve found that even though I’m literally living in the generosity of God’s “both”, I still catch myself weighing the dichotomy of decisions in front of me, wondering if this time He is going to make me settle for the less desirable option. Love gives generously but it cannot be fully experienced until our hearts also receive generously. And I’m still learning to receive.
In the vulnerability of Christ-like dependance I hear the tender whisper.
“Steph” He says, “do not worry, daughter. Instead, seek my kingdom, and all these things will be added to you” … “Fear not” He assures, “for it is My good pleasure to give you the kingdom” (Luke 12:30-32). He not only knows my needs but cares about being the Father who provides them.
That’s it, the Kingdom is an inheritance. A promised gift from Father that cannot be earned, only received. In the tension of being both a lavished bride-to-be and a minimalist missionary, God is challenging me to stop living as if His Kingdom is a choice between two opposites and instead to embrace the radical exchange where two seemingly opposing realms are bridged by Love Himself.
Jesus never had to choose between polarizing opposites. He lived in perfect unity with Perfect Love, in complete dependance and full abundance. And He invites us to live there with him, now (John 17).
It is this Love that is teaching me that I can experience the joy of choosing cupcake flavours and wedding favours one moment and the compassion to humbly break bread with the poor the next. It is this Love that is allowing Sean and I to embrace the wonder of our story and creatively grow in intimacy while living time zones apart. And it is this Love that keeps me forging forward in leadership despite my imperfections and weaknesses.
In this Love, I have discovered that although God “gave me both”, it is not being a bride nor a missionary that defines me. At thirty, I am still (and always will be) His daughter. And because of that, even in the tension of life’s dichotomies, He delights in me receiving the fullness of His Love.
