Good To Me: Confessions of a Perfect Melancholy
I have spent hours attempting to craft another blog about Training Camp but instead, I find myself in a state of melancholy, overwhelmed by the reality of what’s about to happen. This is real.
It’s Sunday night and a few hours ago I breathed a sigh of delight at the thought of sleeping in tomorrow. My last day of work was Friday. The start of a one-year leave from the hustle bustle of downtown corporate Calgary, where the famous Polish proverb “not my circus, not my monkeys” has been adopted as the office adage in response to the stress of managing unmanageable projects. I think to myself “part of me is going to miss that place”. I am hit with a wave of insecurity as I make a mental list of everything I so willingly gave up for the anticipation of this adventure. Suddenly, I wish I were crawling into bed and setting my alarm for 5:00 AM tomorrow morning for the start of another week of secure, predictable routine.
The process of transition is a vulnerable place to be. I am standing in the middle of ‘already’ and ‘not yet’. Eager to go, yet nervous to leave. God, remind me how I got here?
Worship is our warfare. So I pick up my guitar. It’s been so long, my fingers ache as I play. But I keep strumming as my heart fights to be free from unknown fears. Prayer paves the way. So I take out my journal and confess my thoughts to God. I wait patiently for His reply but am easily distracted by the ‘tornado’ that has passed through my room. I look over and see my backpack half packed while the other half is strewed out in strategic piles on the floor; a picture of organized chaos. What have I gotten myself into? I am in a visceral tug-of-war between holding on and letting go.
Peace settles my heart as I listen to one of my favourite songs, “Good to Me” by Audrey Assad. Hope perseveres and I open my bible. “The Joy of the LORD is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). Hmm. I wrote that in card for someone yesterday and a friend repeated it to me in passing this morning. “Perfect Love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). Your Love covers all. Thank you, Lord.
“Enter His gates with Thanksgiving and His courts with Praise;
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations. “ (Psalm 100:4-5)
Worship is our warfare and prayer paves the way, but gratitude opens the door. Peace settles the heart and Hope perseveres, but gratitude changes the atmosphere. Joy is our strength and Love covers all but gratitude ushers us in, where deep calls to deep and faith renewed can move mountains. Gratitude changes everything.
“Good To Me” by Audrey Assad (audio below)
I put all my hope in the truth of Your promise
And I steady my heart on the ground of Your goodness
When I’m bowed down with sorrow I will lift up Your name
And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy
Because You are good to me, good to me
I lift up my eyes to the hills where my help is found
Your voice fills the night – raise my head up to hear the sound
Though fires burn all around me I will praise You, my God
And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy
Because You are good to me, good to me
Your goodness and mercy shall follow me
All my life
I will trust in Your promise
