Free Lovers
The week I was ready to submit my World Race application, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Naturally, the first question to hit my heart was ‘why?’ Why mom? Why cancer? Why now? Nothing about the diagnosis made sense. My mom is the healthiest woman I know.
Despite my excitement about applying for the Race, I immediately changed my mind and decided not to go. What kind of daughter would I be to leave at a time like this? How could I possibly justify serving people in 11 other nations when my mom is being robbed of vitality at home? Who would take care of her? These are legitimate questions and I am grateful for the freedom in our family to process the many raw and unscripted responses to her diagnosis.
My sister was prepared to forfeit her Masters program in Europe to come home and I was willing to surrender World Race to stay home. As a family, we decided that until it was necessary to make a decision, it was necessary not to. I am grateful for that gift of time and this blog is about how God led me to the decision to go.
Job is the quintessential account of suffering. I learned three things by studying his story.
- We won’t truly know what it is to live until we know what it is to suffer. Job’s response to unexpected suffering is humbling: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised” (Job 1:21) Half the battle when hit with unexpected grief is accepting the fact that in this life we will experience heartache. Tim Keller suggests that if we fail to acknowledge this, we will suffer because we’re suffering. If you’re like me, you’ve encountered this; you’re upset that you’re upset, sad that you’re sad, stressed that you’re stressed. Embracing the fact that in this life we will be stripped of the things we hold dear, prepares the way to receive God’s grace for the moment.
- God can handle deep, raw, honest emotion and it’s safe to pour out our heart before Him. Job was named a righteous man and yet he was free to express emotion in his grieving. Over the past few months, I have cried deep sorrow-filled tears before God and, in that, I have encountered a God who himself sweat drops of blood in His distress. Jesus was broken so that we could be made whole. In Christ, we have an even greater resource than Job did. The gospel gives us permission to neither stuff our emotions nor be controlled by them but to pray through them in the presence of God who can identify with our brokenness.
- God wants Free Lovers and therefore, we don’t always get to know ‘why’ we suffer. Job was stripped of everything and he never got an explanation from God. Although God doesn’t cause suffering in our lives, there are times when he allows it for His glory. He desires for us to become Free Lovers, to serve and love Him for who He is alone and not for what we get from Him (see C. S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters for more on Free Lovers). This year I have come to embrace the fact that I am in relationship with a God that I cannot control and If I am going to become a Free Lover, I must be willing to let Him lead me through suffering and not know why. (Listen to the Podcast below titled “Questions of Suffering” for more on this).
My mom and I have had many conversations about what it means to become Free Lovers. We have cried together, prayed together and agreed together for a miracle. But sometimes the miracle is choosing to move forward with God into the unknown, without self-medicating. By that I mean choosing to really feel the good, the bad and the ugly.
In Christ, we can know the incredible mystery of experiencing the opposit emotions of deep sorrow and inexpressible Joy at the same time. Trying to run from, avoid or numb the inevitable pain that comes with suffering also numbs the true authentic moments of Joy, Hope, Love and Peace.
I am humbled by my mom’s courage and blessed by my dad’s unconditional love for her. I am grateful for their selflessness to release both my sister and I to pursue God’s plan for our lives in this season. The excitement of applying for World Race was reawakened when my mom looked at me and said “Steph, the best thing you can do for me is to live your life”. With that, I chose to embrace the unknown, accept the invitation to commit to World Race and learn what it is to become a Free Lover.
“Questions of Suffering” http://subspla.sh/142TGIs
