Conditional Love
Can love be conditional? Should it be? Sometimes I had that feeling about the little kids that were showering us with love at the children’s home. Don’t get me wrong, these kids are full of love BUT sometimes it felt like there was a drive behind their love. It is natural at times to love in order to receive love but at times it was because they wanted something from me; whether that was a movie or my iPhone to ‘play game sister’. All of the hugs and kisses came before asking what they wanted. At first you don’t care because you love the kisses and the hugs and the “I love you so so much!” but after awhile it becomes a little obvious that there is usually a rhyme or reason for the displays of affection.
As I thought about this I realized, hmm do we do this to God too? We tell Him we love Him and send Him hugs and kisses and then tell Him all kinds of things we want from Him. Bless me in this way, I really would like it if You did this or that, and please keep this away from me… Does God ever get sick of this? Does he ever feel used or unloved even though we are also showering Him with love?
Well no, because even if we are trying to use Him, manipulate Him, He loves us sooo much, that He doesn’t even care. He wants to give us everything we want. He wants to give us love, He wants to give us the desires of our hearts because His love is so much bigger than ours! And same with these kids! I know they are using me slightly for the iPhone but I don’t really care. Because I care for them and I love them and I want them to be happy and I want to give them what they want.
BUT I also don’t want to spoil them too much that it would ruin their character. So I would make them work for it, be patient for it, or share with other kids. I would limit their time with the games and videos. I would say no sometimes if I thought it was in their best interest. Same with God. He sometimes says no, makes us wait, make us work for it. Why? To grow us, to create character, to instill obedience, and understanding. Why? Because He LOVES US SO MUCH!
Do these kids love me? Yes, they do. But sometimes it seems like it is a conditional love. Do they mean it to be? No. They don’t, but they know that I love them, so they know that they can ask. That they can press, that they have room and space to come to me and use me, ask of me. Why? Because I love them and I show them that I love them and want the best for them. Same with God!
I loved these kids after three weeks. How much more does GOD love them! AHHHH So much more! How much more does he want to bless these little ones! So much more, thankfully! Because my love is flawed, my love is temporarily there, His is eternal. That is why it is so important that these littles ones experience His love. And find His love so that when we leave they are not left without. We can leave easier knowing that they are taken care of. Because God is with them and loves them so much greater than I could ever love.
Learning to Balance
This month was not only about love for me but also about learning. After training in January I was asked to be team leader for my team. This comes with added responsibilities during the race. The struggle I felt this month was learning to balance.
Balancing my analytical, task-oriented way of working versus my natural desire to pour into people and focus on people’s needs around me. I tried working on staying in the moment. I would catch myself surrounded by beautiful children but thinking of what I need to get done next. ‘I need to call the tuk tuk driver and tell him we need two tuk tuks at 8am to pick us up… I need to communicate with my team the schedule…. I need to double check that what I told our interpreter Sam was fully understood…’ But while I am focused on these things what’s going on around me? What am I missing out on? I tried to pull myself to a place where I can be analytical and compassionate at the same time, not with stress but with ease and joy.
Another challenge was balancing time. We were so busy with things to do and always having kids around to hang out with that we got NO time to ourselves. I learned that though I love people, I NEED time to myself or else I burn out! It was hard to say ‘no’ to a water fight or volleyball downstairs with the kids in order to have some quiet time. But I made myself do it because there really wasn’t an option. I needed it.
Also, balance of what my role as team leader should mean to my team. I want to empower my team, see them grow, see them do amazing things for Christ like I know they can. But when do I push them out of their comfort zone? When do I let them be? How can I lead from a position of love and freedom yet also structure? What should I be in charge of and what can I delegate? These were all questions that I focused on feeling out based on the dynamics of my team.
Growth in the Gross
Some other interesting things this past month were the ants, the lice, the mice, the bats, the birds, the bugs, the dirt, the sweat, etc… This month I learned to live a full month being pretty much always uncomfortable and not caring at all! The children’s home we lived at had the worst ant infestation I have ever seen and probably will never see again. ‘The ants go marching thousands by thousands hurrah hurrah!’ No. Joke. But really… No, I’m not exaggerating. At all actually. (Serious face.) The ants lived in the cracks of the walls, on the walls, in the cracks of the kitchen counter tiles, on the kitchen counter, in the cracks of the floor, and on the floor. We could not keep the ants out of our food, even the food in the refrigerator. We got used to washing the ants out of our rice before we cooked it, out of our uncooked meat, out of our bread, our sugar… Everything. We would wash the counter off and quickly make some food and smash the ants that are brave enough to come after our food. Then we must immediately wash the counter off of any food or else… ‘the ants go marching thousands by thousands…’ We did all dishes, cleaned the counters, swept the floors, AND mopped the floors after every single meal (3xday) in order not to have black floors and counters full of ants.
The mice ate our food too. The bats and birds would randomly fly in our room at night. I don’t know why. I guess to say ‘hello’ or something like that. The dirt you couldn’t avoid. We would tuk tuk everywhere on dirt roads, so breath dirt, wear dirt all day every day. On top of that it was always hot, so you’re always sweaty of course… and of course the dirt likes to stick to wet things. Oh well!!
I saw myself grow in each and every one of these problems. At first it made me a little crazy. I tried to kill all the ants with my little bottle of peppermint essential oils… (No, Doterra, oils do not conquer all! Not in extreme cases as described above.) But after only three weeks I wasn’t even cringing as I picked 30 ants out of the pastry I was about to put in my mouth. 30 ants in the pastries? NBD. No. Big. Deal… Extra protein as my team started to say.
The children all had lice and not going to lie, that made me really uncomfortable. I did not want to get lice at all!! I found myself not wanting to touch their heads or get my head close to their heads. But once again, after awhile… I was nuzzling them with my head, loving them without any worry about the lice. And guess what? I didn’t get lice! Score! Winning!
Even with all these things my team and I had a great time in Cambodia. There were many trials and troubles, but also lots of loving, learning, and growing.
Stay tuned for a Vietnam introduction post! Take care! Love you all!
