I received an email from one of my good friends the other day. She was sending me an update on our group of friends. I will always love this group of girls. I met them when I moved to Florida. I worked with them at a restaurant and lived right next door to them for almost a year. They loved on me and came beside me as they helped me through a very pivotal time in my life as I was away from home, very alone, and seeking who I was.
My heart sank in my chest as I read her email. One of my sweet friends, that I have loved as if she were my little sister, had just gotten out of the hospital from a suicide attempt. I was told of all the chaos happening in her life and it seemed that her attempt to drown the pain or maybe even take her life was as result to the way guys have treated her, hurt her, and all that came with it. Since reading this email my stomach has been turning at the thought of this. I hate not being there for her. I hate that she feels this helplessness and hopelessness.
I have been there…right where she is at.
I remember the moment I thought my life was not worth living…
…and most of it was as a result of how I had let guys use and abuse me for years. Instead of realizing the love I had from my Heavenly Father…I sought the attention and affection from people, who most of the time did not truly care about me…if at all.
I started to think if I would have listened to someone who had been through what I was going through.
What could I have said to myself to instill hope and life back into my broken soul….
I don’t think I truly understood the phrase, “You deserve better” until I went to training camp for The World Race. I had been told this phrase over and over again for years. I know, I know…it sounds crazy…a twenty-three year old JUST discovering that she deserves more and is worth more. And to find that hope in a week of training for an 11 month mission trip?!….Its true though.
I was introduced to the most amazing people…people I had never met before…who heard my story…knew my past…but only saw me for who I was today. They “spoke life” into me. This was something I didn’t even know existed. It is when people intentionally speak the truth over you…they reaffirm what God says about you and speak against the lies that the Devil has placed over you. Slowly this woman of God inside of me began to shine through. A girl that I couldn’t even see in myself because of all the lies I had believed for so long. I was introduced to men of God who wanted to help me, serve me, and love me without ulterior motives. Guys who complimented me out of truth and love, not trying to get something from me. I had never truly experienced or accepted anything like this since pain, chaos, and darkness had taken over my life. I had never let people in to truly touch my heart and love on me. I never thought I would actually be able to trust people not to hurt me or use me. But this week changed my world.
I’m not sure why this is so heavy on my heart…or why I feel the need to write this blog.
But I’m following my gut on this one.
I feel like it must be because some girl, somewhere out there is sitting at her laptop reading this.
…and If you are that girl…I am speaking to you.
YOU DESERVE MORE.
I want to share something with YOU that I wish I would have known or realized before.
I want to tell you that you do not have to hide behind the make-up, hair products, and skimpy clothes. You do not have to be involved in the party scene that you only think and feel like you belong in because misery loves company and everyone around you wants you to be right where they are. You do not have to continue to do the drugs that you believe make you skinnier, happier, prettier, or more confident…because they don’t. It will only numb the pain as it builds up within your soul. You do not have to starve yourself, throw up your food after eating, or continue to overeat to feel in control of your life or to feel beautiful. You do not have to punish yourself, cut yourself, or harm your body anymore. You do not have to do what he tells you to do to feel loved. You do not have to let guys use your body for their pleasure to feel worth anything. You do not have to let him hurt you physically or emotionally anymore. You do not have to isolate yourself anymore or separate yourself from the people that REALLY love you because you don’t feel like you belong or because you don’t think they will understand.
There IS more for you and your life….and I am a testimony of that.
Let me introduce you to a Stephanie you and I may no longer recognize….a girl that truly believed all those things that I just spoke against.
I was so dark in this hole of self-destruction that I never thought I would get out.
Warning: It is not easy to let go of the things
we think make us feel better
…but let me tell you, there is a life waiting for you that is beautiful and free and real.
I never realized how dead and miserable I was…
…until I experienced how it felt to be alive.
Truly alive and free.
YOU deserve to be loved. To be honored. To be looked at with respect.
You deserve to laugh and smile and feel the sunshine on your face.
You deserve to have a man that loves you with a refining kind of love. A man that will teach you, guide you, protect you, serve you, cherish you, pray for you, and lead you to be the very best person you can be.
The hardest thing I ever had to do was let go of the unhealthy relationships and habits I had formed in my life. They were holding me in the chaos and the darkness.
As I tried to let go, it felt like I was burying my old self, everything I “loved”, everything I knew…to step into the unknown. It felt like my heart was being torn from inside of me. But, little did I know, that was God cleaning the junk out of my heart to show me a life I never imagined I could have.
A life full of happiness not based on parties, people, or circumstances.
A life full of joy no matter what hardships or painful things came my way.
A life of love…SO MUCH LOVE….that hit my heart so much deeper before.
A life of real friendships, that don’t disappear when life gets hard. People that fight for you and your well-being. People that encourage you when you can’t seem to see the light. People that point you in the right direction when you’ve lost your way. People that love you for who you are, even when you make mistakes…because we are human, and we will continue to mess up and fail at times. A life of intimacy with Jesus that makes this life worth living.
A life with a purpose.
I don’t know where you are at or what your circumstances may be. All I know is that I’m tired of seeing girl after girl settle for less than what she deserves. I’m sick to my stomach thinking that I almost let the Devil win…and that I would have never experienced this life I have now.
…And I refuse to sit silently and watch someone else almost give up on their life too.
