Sometimes on the World Race, you don't get the ministry you want…
"The greatest test of faith is when you don't get what you want,
but still you are able to say Thank you Lord."
When I heard the news…I fell apart.
The one ministry I had been looking forward to since I signed up for the race…I was just informed by my squad leader that my team would NOT be doing next month.
I had been sure that it was going to be our ministry.
I have been talking about Thailand constantly, just knowing that it would be where I came alive and found my TRUE passion.
My heart has been set on ministering to the girls stuck in prostitution and slave trafficking. My heart has been overwhelmingly broken for the girls that are caught in a lifestyle that they feel they deserve or must do because that is all they have ever known. Girls with broken lives and broken hearts. I felt that MY story would help them see that there IS hope and that it IS possible to have a completely different and better life than you ever imagined.
I truly felt the Lord wanted to use my past to minister to these girls.
It was even spoken over me at launch that I would bring healing to the girls in Thailand and be used in incredible ways.
Hearing this wouldn't be my ministry…I questioned everything.
I began to question God and everything he had told me.
I reacted selfishly at first..angry that I had to sacrifice where my heart and passion were to go to a ministry that would be better for my team as a whole.
In that moment…I felt that all my hopes and dreams for this race, for Thailand…shattered in a phone call.
I tried to give it to God but my heart hurt. I wanted to just sit and cry.
….I pushed down the tears and tried to keep emotions from rising. I used to be good at this, but couldn’t seem to stop them.
One of my teammates happened to walk up as I was talking to Jesus. I was trying to hold it together, of course, and prepare for a Bible study I was suppose to lead in an hour.
I wanted to wait and tell the team after we were finished with ministry for the day, but I couldn't keep it in.
All she had to say was, "Do you want to get it off your chest?"…and then it happened…
I word-vomited all over her. The messy kind…with tears and words blubbering out of my mouth as I tried to catch my breath and calm myself down.
I felt like a little girl with uncontrollable tears streaming down her face.
In that moment, God moved.
He allowed my amazing teammate to step up, take over the Bible Study for the night and use her spiritual gift of teaching to speak to these women. And He tore down any walls of pride I had and gave me an opportunity to deal with my pain and frustration the right way for once.
I gathered the team and told them the news.
They knew how much it meant to me and how hard this was on me. They encouraged me to grieve and sit with the Lord. They prayed over me and left me to be and pray.
I had one of the best conversations with God. Giving Him my anger, my pain, my frustration, and my selfishness.
He quickly reminded me that my life is not my own. And that this race is not for me to pick and choose where I feel I am suppose to be.
I looked back through my journal and conversations with the Lord to see that He had been preparing my heart for this the past few days…telling me things like, "Accept this life I've given you and trust that each place I have for you is right and that I have placed you there for a purpose" and "Realize that what I have planned for you might not be what you originally wanted or expected…but dig deep. I have placed deep passions inside of you and I want to ignite a fire and spread my love, joy, and peace through you".
Just the day before I had written in my journal,
"Sometimes God uses wrecked plans and shattered dreams
to propel us into a deeper encounter with Him".
In this moment of complete surrender, I heard Him whisper that, "This is not just where I want your team, but where I want you. I have more for you."
I sat in my sad state of sniffles and heartache and continued to ask God why..not expecting Him to answer.
But, He did answer.
And it was not what I expected to hear.
He gently spoke that maybe He is not calling me back into the bar scene. That is where evil and the enemy lurk and await to attack my heart and soul. That He has more for me. That I am MORE than my past and that is not all I have to offer. That I am stronger, smarter, and are capable of MORE.
“With your very own hands you formed me;
now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you.
When they see me waiting, expecting your Word,
those who fear you will take heart and be glad.
I can see now, God, that your decisions are right;
your testing has taught me what’s true and right.
Oh, love me—and right now!—hold me tight!
just the way you promised.
Now comfort me so I can live, really live;” -Psalm 119:73-74
Maybe God is saving me from more pain and heartache. Maybe He has something BIG in store for me and my team as we work in a new ministry. Maybe He is awakening my heart to new and different passions and I just wasn't open to it before. Maybe He has a completely better path for me than I imagined and I was just too stubborn and stuck in my ways to see it!
I was so silly…to think that I had it all figured out.
God has been telling me all along He is doing something brand new! Why did I expect Him to only use me where the enemy loved to bring me down and do harm to me?
Maybe He has more in store for each of us…yet we are still stuck on who we were or what we've done in the past. So much so that we expect God can only use us in certain ways or areas of ministry. Maybe we think He can't use us at all or that we have to leave the country to be used in a big way! Maybe He wants to use YOU right where YOU are…or better yet, maybe he wants to take you out of where you are at and bring you into something BRAND NEW!
I am excited to inform you that we will be teaching English and loving on college kids as we help out in a coffee shop called WonGen! I CANNOT WAIT! And I still absolutely believe God is going to use me in incredible ways in Thailand….it just might look a little different than expected. 🙂
I can already see that HIS plans are so much better than my own.
A note to future racers: If you don’t get the ministry you want or think is right for you one month…check yourself…because God knows the race you are destined to have and His ministry that He has in mind is far better than your own.
If you want to learn more about our ministry next month you can visit the website at: www.lighthouseinaction.org/wongen/
