The race has become more and more real over the past week.
I am truly learning what it means to be broken…in every way.
No longer do I have rights. No longer can I be selfish or expect to get what I want. No more days filled with "Stephanie's agenda" or what I would like to do.
I knew there would be good months and months that were harder. But I don't think you can really grasp what that means on the race until you find yourself curled up in a ball crying out to God in your tent because you've hit yet another level of brokenness.
I thought I had let go of it all. I thought I had given everything to God, but He has been relentlessly bringing me out of my comfort zone and into his arms. Quietly reminding me that HIS timing and HIS purpose prevail even when my comfort is stripped from me completely.
Arriving at our ministry site this month was less than ideal.
We all felt uneasy as we set up our tents right in the middle of temporary homes in a displacement center here in Cagayan de Oro. I'm becoming more aware of the evil that lurks around…and it was evident this place was filled with darkness. Our team got to learn for the first time what it means to really fight for each other and yourself in the spiritual realm. Reading verses aloud, praying together, and worshiping.
Real raw emotions come out when you are uncomfortable…
and that is exactly where I find myself here in Month 4 of my race.
I am uncomfortable in the heat and the humidity of my tent at night. I am uncomfortable with the looks from some of the men at the place we are located. I am uncomfortable with the fact our team has to be split up everyday for ministry. I am uncomfortable with the fact that I miss my family and loved ones more than ever. I am uncomfortable crying in front of people. I am uncomfortable always sitting on the ground and being outside all day. I am uncomfortable with the smells. I am uncomfortable with the constant fires burning trash and polluting the air. I am uncomfortable with flies, mosquitos, and ants crawling on me and biting me. I am uncomfortable with squatty pottys and bucket showers. I am uncomfortable with my face breaking out. I am uncomfortable with eating some of the food and not always being able to have the luxury of working out. I am uncomfortable trying to function with little to no sleep and loud noises all through the night. I am uncomfortable with no privacy..ever. I am uncomfortable with the attention we get sometimes. I am uncomfortable facing my past and the emotions that brings. I am uncomfortable being around so much cigarette smoke. I am uncomfortable truing to constantly put what's best for the team above what I want. I am uncomfortable with knowing sometimes what I want is not what God wants or has in store for me. I am uncomfortable trusting Him with every part of my life.
BUT…
Something amazing happens when you are pushed out of your comfort zone….you break.
I came, yet again, to another point of realization that I am nothing…absolutely nothing…without God.
I find the joy in the little things these days and my eyes are opened to the simple things I've taken for granted my whole life.
Our ministry this month looks different. We are here living with these people who lost their homes and almost everything they had in Typhoon Sendong.
We are here to live like they do and experience how they live life on a day to day basis and in the process, form relationships with these people. I didn't realize that just BEING here…we are impacting the people. They have probably never had people give up their time and lives to come live with them..and here we are living with them, right where they are, to love and help howerver we can.
Our days look different everyday.
We have gotten to help in a day care teaching subjects to four and five year olds.
We have gotten to help in the Clinic here and get to know the women that run it. We have gotten to know our neighbors and learn about the Philipino culture. We have gotten to do Bible studies with the women and hold their babies. I have gotten asked to do hair and make up for a wedding next weekend. We have gotten to have tea outings with our contact KC and her boyfriend!
Other times we just sit guarding our tents sitting in the presence of the Lord and playing with kids as they come to hang out with us.
In Kingdom work…it's not about what you are DOING necessarily, but how you are bringing light to the darkness around you. Bringing joy to people who have lost hope. Bringing attention and love to the people who felt like they were unworthy. Loving the unlovable. And sticking close by the side of the people that God has put in your life for a very specific purpose and reason. It's fighting for the relationships you have back home when there is lack of communication.
So in the midst of me being completely and absolutely OUT of my comfort zone, I cling to the comfort I find in Jesus and hold onto Him. And as I struggle through this season, I trust He is still using me and is continuing to mold me into the woman He has predestined me to be.
