So, there is this thing that starts to happen at some point along the race when you realize that God is refining you. It didn’t take our team long to realize that we were ALL experiencing a hard month of refinement.
re·fine·ment/riˈfÄ«nmÉ™nt/
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Noun: |
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In one month: We had to say goodbye to not one, but TWO team members. We had one teammate out of ministry for over a week with a painful back injury. We had another teammate wake up violently vomiting and sick for two days.
We all suffered from sleepless nights and terrifying nightmares. Four out of the 5 of us had gotten lice…which lead to a full week spending hours picking lice out of each others hair and trying every shampoo and myth to get rid of them.
We made it to Nicaragua which is HOT.
I never realized how the heat affects people, especially when you are not used to it. When you are constantly sweating and instantly recalling every moment you took any sort of air conditioning for granted. For some reason, the heat just puts everyone a little on edge.
After arriving to our ministry site in the slums of Rivas, Nicaragua, we were attacked by mosquitos and bugs called “no-see-ems”, which covered our legs with swollen and itchy bug bites.
I was bit by something in my sleep that caused my pinky finger to swell twice its size and I had two bites on my arms that almost scared us enough to send me to the doctor. (Thank the Lord for a stash of Benedryl that knocked it out after a few days).
As our team suffered through attack after attack, big or small. Real and raw emotions began to surface. Most of the time it isn’t pretty and usually resulted in frustration and tears.
But as a family of five for this month…we decided to do the Daniel’s fast together (as best as you can on the race), provide times for more worship, and pray into how the Lord is refining us and really seek what He wanted to do in each of our hearts.
So, I took the question directly to Him asking, “Daddy, how do you want to refine me?”
He told me “Beloved, you have been on this journey to find your identity for so long. It’s time. Let go of any little thing of your old self you are holding on to. Don’t be afraid. I wont ever leave your side. Embrace this new life and stop questioning it. I want to grow you in your confidence in who I have created you to be. You are capable of so much more…”
“Run for your life from all this (old life), PURSUE a righteous life – a life of wonder, faith, love, steadiness, courtesy. Run hard and fast in the faith. SEIZE THE ETERNAL LIFE, the life you were called to, the life you so fervently embraced in the presence of so many witnesses.” 1 Timothy 6:11-13
The next day I woke up in the middle of the night feeling the sickest I have felt on the race. My whole body aching with sharp pains, head pounding, and a terrible cough.
“Lord, I can’t handle this…I’m so frustrated, so tired of these attacks. I can’t be sick right now…”
“Stephanie, my Beloved. This is not the end of the world. I am still here. I am holding you. Breathe. Let people serve and love on you today. Lay down your pride. Let it go. You do not have to do anything to make me love you any more or any less.”
I did just that. I put down my pride and the need to always be “okay”. I laid in bed and slept most of the day away. But I awoke feeling so much better and so loved. I guess this is how the Lord gets my attention…I have to physically be broken, so that He can shine light on the areas of my life that He wants me to let go of.
After lots of prayer, I felt the Lord calling me to go the next week without any make-up. For those of you that know me well….this is the last thing I wanted to do. I enjoy wearing make-up, fixing my hair and getting pretty. This doesn’t usually happen on the race, but I still do wear some sort of make up on a regular basis.
It was time to get real vulnerable.
To let God work in the parts of me and redefine who I am in HIM. So this month I have really focused on that. To look less in the mirror to provide me with an accurate image of who I am and look internally at what God is doing in my heart and in the deepest parts of my soul.
“Nothing and no one is as beautiful as I,
that God – who is beauty itself –
has fallen in love with me.”
He has begun to reveal things to me. BIG things. One morning, I sat in His presence as He revealed each moment He was there for me when I thought He had abandoned me over the past 5 years. I sat and cried as I realized each moment I felt so alone, that He was fighting for my life, and in a jealous pursuit of my love and affection.
It amazes me what you learn when you are stripped of everything you thought you knew. I have begun to see that I am free to be me. I am not here to please other people, but to live fully and solely for Christ and the rest of my life will fall into place. I am learning that on this race there will be good months and hard months, but in the midst of it all He is moving, He is working, and more than anything He is slowly molding me into the woman He wants me to be. I have learned this is what refinement is all about.
So, I choose to rejoice in the hard times and see that He is just refining me; improving my very being by constantly making small changes in my heart and in my life.
By revealing little wonders about who He is and how much He loves me and wants me to live a life in a radical pursuit after Him. This race is not just about me being a missionary and traveling to 11 countries in 11 months, it is about me discovering who I really am…and letting Him show me who I really am.
“Just as soon as the Catapillar thought the world was ending…
He turned into a beautiful butterfly”
