When I was thinking about applying for the World Race, I read blog after blog and watched numerous videos with incredible stories and heart throbbing moments. I saw the passion of these crazy young people traveling the world with a backpack and immediately knew this is exactly the "something more" that He was calling me to.
Something so outside of my element, so far from anything I would ever be able to do out of my own strength and so radical that the stories alone made my heart come alive.
I pictured myself traveling the world and letting go of all my shallow possessions to trust God on a whole new level. I could see myself sleeping in a tent, showering using buckets, and eating bowls and bowls of rice. I could feel how the abandonment of the superficial lifestyle I had been living in would be just what I needed to push me into the place where I've always wanted to be, yet I could never quite reach. I knew it wouldn't be easy and there would be moments I would want to give up and quit…but I knew He would come through, because, well…when hasn't He?!
In all honesty…this month has been hard for me. I'm not sure why it hit me this month, but it did. I am tired. I'm tired of being constantly surrounded by noise and crammed in small areas with so many people. I'm tired of no alone time. I'm sick of my clothes that are wearing thin and getting a stench that not even washing seems to get out. I am tired of not ever feeling clean. I'm hot…so ridiculously hot. I'm tired of the rice bloat, my face breaking out, and looking in the mirror (almost forgot what those were this month) and seeing a form of my physical appearance I am not too fond of. I am missing the comforts of home, the consistency, my family, and feeling like myself…
I went on a run around the village by myself (this is rare, only second time on the race for safety reasons). After a few miles I just stopped and started crying out to God. I needed to audibly tell Him my frustrations and let it out…so I did. Thank goodness no one was around or they probably would have thought I was crazy.
God had to remind me in that moment that He is enough..and He has called me to this season of abandonment and brokenness for a very specific reason and He isn't finished yet.
The hardest part of this month has been the ministry. The ministry here is incredible, but it is so hard to only be in each place for a few weeks. We are here teaching these kids for such a short period of time that we hardly get to know them. We are going on house visits to love and pray over people we may never see again.
Will the kids even understand more English by the time we leave? Why do we continue to pray bold prayers of healing and restoration, yet we leave each house feeling a little more discouraged? Why do we go on house visits when we can hardly communicate with them? Will we ever see the fruit of our labor? Of our sacrifice?
God has taken me to such a sweet place with Him this month. He has taught me so much about discipline and obedience and the joy that comes from it.
The truth is, that we are never promised to see the fruit of our labor.
Wow, that's hard to swallow.
He calls us to move into action and be obedient and we may never see the impact we have on the people we meet. We may never get to witness the healing we pray over a blind and crippled man. We may never get to see the beautiful 14 year old girl hold a conversation in English. We may never get to see the families in this village come to know the Lord. BUT because of our obedience and diligence as His disciples…He gives us an unexplainable joy despite our circumstances.
So we have this choice…to sit and be frustrated and complain and question why we don't get to witness the things we fervently serve and pray for…or we can choose to be obedient and follow Him and be content knowing that is what He has called us to do.
“Do all things without grumbling or questioning.”
Philippians 2:14
We were driving back to the village today. I stared out the window watching the beauty of Cambodia flow by like a movie through the window. All of the sudden the sun began to set. Huge, victorious clouds filled the sky. Colors of pink, orange, purple reflecting off of each one. Light burst out from behind the clouds and His firm, quiet voice whispered, "I am here".
That is all I needed.
My discouragement lifted. My heart rejoiced at the work He has called me to do for this time. I knew it wouldn't be easy, I knew I would get tired, I knew I would feel the frustration over time…but had I forgotten all too quickly that HE IS HERE?
My heart settled at the peace of knowing I am right where I am suppose to be. He is using me and my team. We may never get the opportunity to see the fruits of our labor or realize the true impact we have been able to have here or in the previous countries…but our God is so good. He blesses our efforts, our work, and if I am called to just plant seeds all over this world..I am willing.
I am willing to push past the fleshly feelings that this race has made me feel and strive to be more spirit-filled. I am willing to continue to pray prayers I may never see the answer to and teach children I may never get to see again. I am willing to let my heart be broken over and over again each month as I see things on the other side of the world I never expected to see. I am willing to let Him continue to prune my heart and mold me into who He has created me to be. I am willing to continue to follow Him even when it gets hard. I will serve, lead, and follow Him and spread this light of fire burning deep inside of me.
