So I find myself tonight, lying in bed, not being able to sleep. My current bedroom is half packed and half in bags to sell. I’m preparing myself for the busy day I have tomorrow wishing I was asleep and getting rest…
I’m starting to soak it all in…what it feels like to say goodbye to one season and embrace a new one. I have exactly 29 days till I step onto an airplane and head to Chicago, where I will prepare to leave America for 11 whole months. 29 days away from saying goodbye to all my loved ones, and everything I have ever known to embrace a new journey.
Part of me is having a freak out moment because I feel like I have so much to do in these next 29 days…
“Youre blessed when you’ve lost it all.
God’s kingdom is there for the finding.”
Luke 6:20
So heres this sitch.
I went to training camp a few weeks ago and I totally expected to be changed.
But geez…I did NOT expect this.
I didn't expect to come home and see everything in a different light. To have a new sort of wisdom and insight. I didn’t expect to want to sell all of my stuff to raise money to make sure I get to go on this Race and stay out on the field. I didn’t expect to want MORE after only a day of being back home. I didn't expect to see with Kingdom perspective after JUST a week with fellow world racers.
I DID NOT expect to come home and feel called to move back in with my parents. To give up freedom and selfish comfort zones and to leave my cozy home with my roommate to show my family some extra attention and love and soak in every spare moment I get with them before I leave.
I found myself dragging my feet…not wanting to leave my new home that I loved and had become comfortable in. But God calls us out of our comfort zones so that we can grow.
He continued to show me that it was time to really close this season…and embrace the next season. He asked me to jump in with both feet…
I’ve been asking God to show me where He wants me this month of August. One of my fellow squadmates brought to my attention that this is the 8th month of the year… and that in the bible, the number eight signifies new beginnings. Oh how fitting. I love when God shows up like that 🙂
“Forget about what’s happened,
don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present.
I’m about to do something brand-new.
Its bursting out! Don’t you see it?”
Isaiah 43:19-20
So I began to seek where He wanted me this month of new beginnings..
…and I kept hearing the word “rest”
Me: “okay God, thats great…but really what do you want me to do, where do you want me? How can I be used? You know I’m not good at resting…”
God: “Just be”
…of course I start singing my favorite song by the Beatles that has suited my life so well… “let it be…let it be…let it be let it be…speaking words of wisdom let it be…let it be”
God: “Just be, Let me fill you. Let me show you. Just be”
So as my mind is filled with 1,000 things I need to do before I leave the country for a year…I am choosing to let anxiety go, let worrying go, let priorities go…yeah you read that right.
So, God gives me this image. Its these two beautifully crafted wooden doors. They have these brass hinges and are so sturdy and secure. They are large and look heavy. I long to open them and see what is on the otehr side but as I attempt to open these beautiful, large doors, I cannot. I am just not strong enough (which drives me absolutely crazy) So I step back again to look at the doors.
It wasn’t time to open these doors, and no matter how bad I wanted to be on the other side …God was telling me to wait….to watch as HE opens the doors in HIS timing. To stop trying to do everything on my own and turn to Him for guidance and to take one step at a time as He opens doors and closes others.
As they start to open, I am almost scared to step through them….It’s so new, so unkown. How will I know what to do on the other side?
And God repeats “Just be. Let me fill you, Let me show you, Just be.”
So what am I going to do this month? Simply that.
I am going to rest in the beauty of my Creator and watch as He closes the doors of this season…and opens the heavy wooden and beautiful doors of the next season.
No, its not easy…
and my flesh is hating every minute of it.
Embracing the unknown.
But the inner kingdom-filled spirit inside of me is beyond excited
to walk through the doors He is opening…no matter how scary or uncomfortable it may seem.
I am choosing to stop dragging my feet…and to just jump in the arms of my Daddy as He carries me into the next season of my life. It’s time to fully believe that I am no longer who I used to be. It’s time to stop punishing myself and forgive myself for all the times that I have messed up, and embrace the fact that THIS MONTH (the eighth month) is the time for a new beginning and a new season…and if I allow Him….He wants to carry me through it as I rest in His loving arms.
