Independence.
Dependance.
Interdependence. They all relate. For the last month God has been taking me on this journey of revealing my independent Spirit, my need for complete dependence on God (not myself or others), and finally the gift of community and interdependence.
So, my entire life I have functioned quite well on my own strength. In all I do, I have been able to succeed and (about) be number one at all I do. Most things in life have come pretty easily to me weather it be school, extracurricular activities, social interactions, etc. I have had a pretty smooth sailing life in regards to ability to perform well in the world. So, I have functioned well on my own strength and ability…I know that I have looked for God for strength – but, for the most part I have still been able to handle a lot of it on my own.
Since the World Race started, little by little, the Lord has been stripping me of myself and calling me to more than I can handle. I do not know how to do it on my own strength, understanding, and knowledge. I need to depend on God everyday and look to him for my identity and giver of life – not myself or others. Right before this “dependence” lesson, the Lord broke me for the lost in the dumps in Nicaragua and has been slowly breaking me for my teammates. He broke me of myself. My life on the World Race is so beyond me. Abandonment, brokenness…I am at a loss. I, Stephanie, have nothing to truly offer of myself. The Lord opened my eyes to my independence…
I think that we always place our dependence/trust in something or someone. It’s a sliding scale. I picture it as a grand canyon. This is a life long lesson and we are always moving forward or backward…or standing still. One ledge is total dependence on self while the other ledge is total dependence on God. Praise the Lord that I have finally taken that leap to the other side of the river and have crossed over more so into the realm of dependence on God. There are many ledges that one must climb. As I climb higher towards complete dependence on God, I am moving “forward”. When one is in motion, there is a greater chance of falling. I have fallen a lot on this journey – especially when I have taken my eyes off God and turned them back on myself…self-dependence, selfishness, not being a good steward of what has been entrusted to me, lack of faith, etc. It’s not God causing me to fall. But I trip over my own feet. Each time I fall, God has given me the grace to get back up again and continue forward – clean slate. He is for me and wants me to succeed. Not succeed as I, Stephanie…but Me, Stephanie…succeed b/c it’s Him living in me.
So, since the beginning of the World Race, I have been entrusted with people. Entrusted – discipleship – I feel totally inadequate. Because our team leader is married…it’s been difficult for him to get involved emotionally with five other girls. About a month ago, we decided to make me the “leader of emotions” – basically the one that deals with the emotional side of journey. Once again, the Lord is opening my eyes to the immense realm of influence that one in any position of authority has on those who are “under that influence”. I don’t like the word authority, but rather stewardship. Jesus had authority, yes…but he used it to serve…not to lord it over others. One in any leadership position must continually clothe oneself in humility and keep servant-hood the foundation of all he/she does.
Since this lesson on dependence has become the name of my current journey, I admit that I lost my vision for my teammates – those I am to be serving…those I am called to pour myself out to. Yes, I am thankful that the Lord took my eyes off myself and now they are on him…but I am so focused on Him and loving him that I am miserably failing the second commandment: Love your brother as yourself.
I do have mercy for others but not quite as much for my team. Why..I don’t know? The longer we live in community, the more I want to retreat. My teammates are different than me. Are they people that I would normally “choose” to be friends with at home? Absolutely nothing against them – it just reveals MY ugly core. One of my teammates asked me the other day – “Do you want to know me and love me?” I sat for awhile, not answering. I didn’t want to spew out an answer just to pacify her – especially if it was a lie. “Honestly”, I replied, “I don’t know…”
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My Journal Journey Part II: The Art of Interdependence“
