We are in the middle of Month Eight and I am tired! Everyday, I wake up and think, “I wish I could just stay in bed.” I remember Training Camp when we were told, “If you try to do this in your own strength, you’ll get three months in and have a break down.” Well, I made it past the 3-month mark. Made it past the 6-month mark, with little problem, but now I am done. I don’t want to go home, I just honestly have nothing left.
God has been teaching, or trying to teach me the dangers of independence. He has shown me that even when I think I am doing things on my own…I’m not. Even when I think I’m being strong, it is only His strength through me that accomplishes anything. Now, finally, I am feeling it. I am feeling tired, overwhelmed and helpless.
How am I supposed to love the orphans here in Swaziland when I am so empty? How am I supposed to make an impact each day when I am exhausted by breakfast? What good is it if I give all that I have when all that I have is nothing?
I am finally learning what Jesus means when He says:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”
But, He goes even further, saying, “If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers, such branches are picked up and burned.” (John 15:5&6)
This is not a simple matter of effectiveness…this is life and death.
‘Wither’ is the word Jesus uses, and that is exactly how I feel. I am withering physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am exhausted. I have hit the wall.
Jesus, it has to be You from here on out. It has to be Your heart in me that breaks for these orphans. My heart is out of brokenness. It has to be Your love through me that comforts the women here. I have no comfort left to give. It has to be Your truth on my lips that encourages my team-mates. I have run dry.
Lord, I commit this next month to You- and the three after that. Help me ‘remain’ in You. To allow You to love and work through me. It is the only way I’m going to make it!
