“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” -Matthew 5:4
I always assumed this verse applied to me. Of course I “mourn”- a lot of crap has happened in my life. Of course I am qualified to be comforted- I have suffered loss. But until this week, when we learned what Biblical mourning is, I did not realize that simply living through painful experiences is not grieving. Surviving is not mourning.
My biggest tendency in dealing with pain is to ignore it. If I can distract myself long enough, through busy-ness or entertainment or service, then the pain will fade. What I have learned is that by doing this I have not only cut off my heart from sorrow, but also from joy.
This is not what I want! I know there has to be more to feel; more joy, more hurt, more passion. More of Christ’s love! But I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know how to let God into those places of my heart that have been tightly locked for years.
I am ready. At least I want to be. My prayer this week has been, “Lord, please come. Deal with me in any way you need to.” And yet, I have heard nothing in this area. I know there is grieving to be done, but I cannot begin this process on my own volition. I need the Lord to dig into my buried wounds.
I cannot set the captives free until I have been set free. I long to be healed completely so that I can be a true representation of Jesus to the nations.
But I must remind myself that God is faithful. His timing is perfect. He is worthy; worthy of my trust, my heart, my tears.
So this is where I am on Day 4 of Training Camp. Waiting for God to stir up my supressed pain and deal with it in His way, here in this safe place so I do not carry this pain into my ministry or onto my team.
