A Heart Made Whole

 

                “But God, you don’t understand how much it hurt. If you knew the depth of my pain, my feelings of betrayal, you would never ask me to forgive. I have a right to this bitterness. I have written myself an IOU on his behalf, and until it has been satisfied, how can I be expected to forgive?”

                For years this has been my argument, my justification. If God truly understood my heart, He would never ask me to let go of this ‘righteous indignation’ (or so I have named it).   What was done was wrong, to the core, it was wrong. I have not only a right, but a responsibility to be pissed. 

But God has been consistently calling me to more. And I have been consistently ignoring Him. Knowing that to answer that call would be to lay it down, to pry my fingers from around this grief that has become so much a part of my identity I can barely see myself without it.

                Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.                 -Colossians 3:13-15

                As these verses move from forgiveness to love, peace and thankfulness, the Lord has shown me that I have not allowed His peace to rule in my heart. If peace reigns, if I am focused on thankfulness rather than resentment, what reason do I have not to forgive? If I have been made whole through Christ, what benefit do I gain from clutching this unfulfillable IOU? As though my emptiness is better than His fullness. As though my bitterness is more satisfying than His sweetness.

                Jesus, forgive me for my arrogance. For thinking that my sorrow trumps your sacrifice. You have forgiven him. You have cancelled the record of debt, nailing it to the cross- who am I to tear it down and demand repayment?! (Colossians 2:14)

                I do not feel like forgiving. I am not over the hurt. But I choose forgiveness. Every day, every minute I choose to walk in forgiveness. Not because he is worthy, but because You are worthy.

                I will allow your peace to come and rule. Thank you for making me whole, for healing my heart.