pre-Race, a way that my family bonds and enjoys each other’s company. I missed movies during the year and saw two
in the theater, one being an extremely weird ladyboy soccer movie in Thailand
and the other being a really poorly made chick flick in S. Africa. So one of the most consistent things I did
upon returning home was befriend Redbox daily. Beyond rentals, there were constant previews and hype for the latest Hollywood
holiday blockbusters.. other than the one we can’t stop hearing about (hint:
3-D glasses offered), there’s that other one.. Up in the Air. Every time I hear the preview, I don’t think
about swooning for George Clooney or getting excited about the Oscars. I think about life as I know it right
now. Whether it wins awards or not, at
least the title does a good job summing up life for most Racers post-WR.
Since I’m still on the theme of movies, allow me to share a
few quotes from two movies I saw the first weeks I was home, The Curious Case
of Benjamin Button and Revolutionary Road. Since I was so fresh off one of the greatest seasons of my life, like
coming down from an amazing height on the Millennium Force (one of Cedar Point’s
awesome rollercoasters, I highly recommend both the park and the ride! oh and while I’m promoting, I highly recommend both movies I mentioned.. superb acting!), these
quotes from characters going through transition or desiring something
different, really resonated. I’ll explain more later:
thing about comin’ home. Looks the same,
smells the same, feels the same. You’ll
realize what’s changed is you.” – Benjamin Button
truth? Everyone knows what it is however
long they’ve lived without it. No one
forgets the truth, Frank, they just get better at lying.” – April Wheeler,
Rev Rd
“I wanted IN. I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we’ve shared this secret
that we would be wonderful in the world. I don’t know exactly how, but just the
possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that? So stupid. To put all your hopes in a promise that was
never made. Frank knows what he wants,
he found his place, he’s just fine. Married,
two kids, it should be enough. It is for
him. And he’s right; we were never special or destined for anything at all.” – April
Wheeler, Rev Rd
“It takes backbone to
lead the life you want, Frank.” – April Wheeler, Rev Rd
“It’s unrealistic for a man with a fine
mind to go on working year after year at a job he can’t stand. Coming
home to a place he can’t stand, to a wife who’s equally unable to stand the
same things. And you know what the worst part of it is? Our
whole existence here is based on this great premise that we’re special. That we’re superior to the whole thing. But we’re not. We’re just like everyone else! We bought
into the same, ridiculous delusion.” – April Wheeler, Rev Rd
“If being crazy means living life as if
it matters, then I don’t mind being completely insane.” – April again
things seem the same.. there have been some changes around me, whether it be
minor ones like a new tv or progressive changes in someone’s life, like a new
marriage or baby. But mostly what’s
changed is me.. I’m not talking huge, mind blowing, earth shattering,
hard-to-miss change, but enough of a change inside that I’m more bothered by
things that I used to shrug off (like cursing) and less consumed by consumerism
and other things. However, at home, the
distractions are plentiful – now we had an even nicer tv to watch movies on, a
library to finally get my hands on books I’ve missed reading, friends to catch
up with, etc.. It’s been easy to slip into those distractions instead of spending
time in the Word or listening to God.. especially with the holiday busy-ness of
seeing people, going places, decorating, and practicing gluttony. Re-entry hasn’t been hard in the sense of the plethora, over-abundance of options to choose from in terms of service, entertainment, etc. I haven’t had a breakdown going to the store.. it’s been smooth transitioning back to “creature comforts” altho I realize how much less of that I need and care about. It’s mostly been hard to foster the same environment of community with believers and closeness with the Lord.
Christmas (the double whammies) was a double edged sword. In one sense, it was great to be enveloped by
my entire family – even having my sister, her husband and their dog (my
obsession) ready and waiting when I landed! To see the faces I’ve missed and talked about with my team, all at once,
was both a blessing and overwhelming. It
was great to embrace and be embraced.. I actually enjoyed not having to answer a
ton of questions right off the bat, but being allowed to climb into my big bed
(which I thought my mom had added another mattress to, since I’d been sleeping
either on the floor or on one mattress all year. I truly felt like a rather undeserving princess that first nite in my own bed!). However, like other racers have said, I didn’t
find myself sharing a lot of stories about my “trip” once I was ready. People in the States don’t have a lot of time
to listen.. they ask, well intentioned, but sometimes have moved on to another
question, conversation, topic or person before I even finish. I truly appreciate the
few who were extremely intentional, had followed my blogs and knew faces,
names, and stories, or took the time to listen and remember details. Details are important to me. I know I get bogged down in them too much,
but after a year away, it means a lot when someone asks specifics. I was also touched to see the effort my mom put into creating a folder with pictures and a summary she wrote on each month and each country I was in.. it was a lot of work on her end and it proved a great tool later on for sharing – so thank you, mom!
Before Christmas, I was extremely blessed by my close girlfriends with an all
expense paid trip to Chicago for a girls’ weekend, which turned into extending
my stay so I could have time with my relatives.. it was a restful time as well
as one of reconciliation. I was able to
reconnect with cousins and really find peace in my heart in terms of some
familial relationships. In that sense, I
exercised some of the grace, love and forgiveness I had learned and practiced
on the Race, and it felt really refreshing.. Those are the best ways for
friends and family at home to notice change, from my humbling myself and not
being the hard-headed brat I was pre-Race (and still am sometimes). I also got to visit my grandparents’ church and personally meet and thank the sweet elderly congregation who had prayed faithfully for our squad and were so anxious and excited upon my return. After ringing in 2010, I flew to Atlanta to partake in the Passion conference, which fed my heart with sound messages and awesome worship. I had another opportunity to reconnect with a different cousin who blessed me with hospitality. So this new season has already seen fruit.
Now, to return to the quotes above from Revolutionary Road: I quoted a lot from April Wheeler, played by Kate Winslet. April’s a housewife
who tries to break away from her mundane, suburban life to live the hopes and
aspirations she dreamed of. She yearns for something better, and believes
that she and her husband Frank can escape the rut by moving to Paris and
pursuing those dreams. Paris is her
promise… The downfall comes when Frank starts settling back into comfortability
– even if it’s comfort in something he hates. April is left feeling hopeless, helpless, alone and uninspired. Anyway, without giving the rest of it away, I
saw myself in April… her desire to be different, her boldness in formulating a
plan and her need to take action. I also
saw myself sliding into her hopelessness, in thinking she was delusional, crazy,
unrealistic, and not destined for something greater. I felt the concern, worry and questions in my parents’ eyes as they searched me for answers.. my mom meant well when she gave me a job posting to apply for, but I freaked out (also given I’d been home just one week) and then was frustrated and disappointed that she didn’t “get it” and that our society emphasizes productivity above all else. Almost against my will and better judgment, I started comparing my stage in life to friends buying cars, houses, having new jobs,
toys, gadgets, babies, husbands… So I’d seen new cultures, been exposed to some of the world, been lucky enough at times to see thru God’s eyes His ppl and their hurt.. but now I’m back under my parents’ roof, seemingly back to square one. What kills me is that this re-entry was predictable – before I even left for the WR, I’d read the blogs of those who came back and expressed the same things… I had hoped I wouldn’t be saying the same things, but it’s no surprise that I am, since we’re all human with the same emotional tendencies and had gone thru a similar journey and process. I guess I should seek comfort in knowing that all other Racers have been there and will go there and it’s normal. I may enter into a dry season or I may not.. but I know one season was meant to end for another to begin.
Coming home has been like looking in the mirror again after
a year without one (altho I laugh cuz even after the Race, when running out to
meet friends, I still look like I haven’t spent ANY time in front of a mirror..
I still choose my missionary garb over the clothes I left behind, haha). Funny how when you don’t have a
mirror, your eyes are looking up at Him. Once you’re back in
front of a mirror, your eyes only focus forward – on
yourself. Especially if you’re looking in one of those
mirrors that shows every pore and enhances every flaw. Suddenly, you notice the limp hair, dry skin
(thanks, winter!!), extra poundage (thanks holiday prime rib sales!),
ill-fitted clothes… and that’s just the outside. Low self-esteem creeps back.. old fears, doubts, insecurities, etc. start
to creep in as well. There’s no longer a team constant surrounding you with
encouragement, “speaking life” and edifying you, believing in you to pursue big stuff. Suddenly, those passions, gifts, exciting possibilities
that seemed, well, exciting and possible, now
seem unachievable or directionless.
2-wk intense program, starting TODAY 1/8, back in Gainesville, GA (where it all began) to help WR vets inspect and bandage their wounds and get ready for
going back out to the frontlines. To get
a more detailed idea of PSL, Seth Barnes says it best. I hadn’t planned on going, but I’m glad that I
don’t follow MY plans. PSL has already
given several assignments that have made us scratch our heads and probe our
hearts on passions, dreams, visions, world needs, skills, etc. I’m one of those people that doesn’t
initially pump myself up but goes into programs with cautious optimism.. That being said, I’m grateful for the
intentional effort that AIM staff is taking to pour into us and see that our
time post-WR leads to something fruitful. I’m looking forward to hearing from humble, righteous leaders and
visionaries like Seth Barnes, to finding focus, and to living in community
again. Never thought I’d miss my fellow
Racers so much, especially corporate worship and prayer. I feel like I do have dreams, but maybe too many and too broad.. and this program will, if nothing else, expose me to ppl with experience, wisdom, and ways to make dreams into visions. I hope to hone in on specific things that make my heart beat, break, stir.. and how to draw realistic plans to make things happen for the Kingdom.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers – that I’ll be
open to listening and recognizing His voice, bold to take steps towards Kingdom
stuff, honest in dispelling lies and disclosing uncertainties, patient to
continue waiting on His timing, confident in the identity I claimed on the Race, and consistent in my discipline and hunger for
His Word. Pray that I will have the backbone to lead a life that matters, that I will be crazy for that life if it lines up with Him. Like April, I’ve tasted the truth… now I have to decide if I wanna exist in the lies, or LIVE in that truth. Like April, I want to be wonderful in the world, but not of it. Unlike April, I am putting hope in a promise that WAS made, by One who is faithful. Unlike April, I believe that my existence IS special.. the only ‘ridiculous delusion’ that I’ve bought into is that He has already given us all a new life and we just have to seize it. (sorry if you had to scroll up to re-read those quotes from April, but aren’t they great in gettin to the core?)
along for these next two weeks of PSL! Also, let me know how I can pray for you.
