This morning I went to the public library intending to do some work, but instead had a sudden urge to re-read a book I had read in high school. So I looked up "The Good Women of China" by Xinran, pulled the library's single copy from the shelves, and sat down for some reading. I soon found my face washed with tears after almost every chapter.
These last couple weeks have been huge moments of struggle for me. After finishing school, I found myself plunged into preparations for the trip. Once the dust had settled and my overwhelming joy at being accepted to the World Race had somewhat subsided, I was suddenly faced with the enormity of what lay ahead of me. "What, God? Me, minister to the nations? You must have got the wrong person, right? Look at so-and-so. They're so much more spiritually mature than I am. So much more caring and equipped. You'd probably want to send them instead." "Look, God. I haven't even read through the whole Bible once. I haven't led any programs before. I don't have what it takes." "God…I don't know what to write on my blog." I threw myself into prayer and fervently asked my friends to pray for me.
Not knowing what to do, I decided to read my support coach, Marisa Rodriguez's blog of her experience when she went on her race 2 years ago. I read about how God used her to rescue a young 12-year-old boy from the streets. I read about how, through her advocacy, a 3-year-old boy was prevented from being sold as a sex slave. I read about her dreams as a child to do something big to make a difference in the world.
That started me thinking about my own dreams. I remember in my grade 8 yearbook, I was voted as the "dreamer" by my classmates. I wanted to make a difference in the world. Staring out the window in math class…I remember picking my major, Environmental Science. Surely, I will be making a difference with my degree, I thought. But although I loved my major, I couldn't imagine it being my life's work.
Looking back now, perhaps this trip has been a dream planted deep in my heart for a long time. Fragments of memory come to the surface…confessing to a friend years ago over the phone that I was interested in missions…sitting in a Biology exam room wondering what I was doing there…having my "fantasy" idea of missions blown apart on a short-term trip with my church…being rejected from a job interview because I wasn't "enthusiastic enough" for the job…the joy I felt in serving others…praying that God could use me to make a difference for Him…
So, perhaps it wasn't an accident that I remembered a lady who mentioned she had been on this missions trip around the world, or that she took down my email for some other purposes and emailed us as a friendly hello. Maybe it wasn't an accident that a year later, I emailed this lady back for more information, and another year later was scrolling down the application page.
When I read Marisa's blog, and I re-read "The Good Women of China", I remembered why I wanted to apply for the trip in the first place. And I remember the hours of praying and searching my heart. I do feel inadequate, but if God has called me, He will supply my every need!
Now is the time to take my leap of faith.
Jer 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future…”
