Stubborn. Prideful. Apathetic. Empty.
Frustrated. Fighting doubt. Hardened heart. Beaten down.
“God, I asked you to reveal yourself to me so I could go deeper with you, and I feel like this?? Where are you? Do you even care right now that I am getting spiritually attacked? Do you know that things are getting worse while I’m praying, not better??”
Do these words and this quote sound like the thoughts of a missionary sent out to spread God’s love all over the earth? Well, it is. Those words were me this past week.
Month 5: Thailand. It’s a month of new beginnings, new ministry, and new excitement of what God wants to teach me this month– and He definitely taught me some things already. He showed me how ugly my sinful nature really is. He revealed to me that I had pride issues on both sides of the spectrum: Feeling superior and feeling inferior to different people that I compare myself to. I'm thinking, 'OK, that’s good. I’d like to finally fix that about myself'. Little did I know that the issue was much deeper than what I realized.
“God, please soften my heart so I can love people where they’re at and help me find my identity in you so I don’t compare my worth by comparing myself to others.” That’s pretty much what my prayers sounded like. What surprised me was my answer I received. Did my heart soften? Not at all. If anything, it got worse. My heart was full of ugliness I didn’t realize I had deep down. I also became very aware of how much pride affected so many areas in my life. Everything I seemed to say and do, I immediately had the word “pride” go off in my head like a huge flashing billboard.
Where did this come from? Is this the real me? How long have I been thinking these things? How long have I been living in this pride prison? More importantly, how do I get out? Then, anger hits/ aka Satan messes with my thoughts: I am always dealing with stuff, but feel alone when I’m going through it and end up feeling worse about myself. (That’s where the earlier quote comes in.)
I’ve always gone through this same cycle for as long as I can remember:
Growing in God—He brings me to further depths—Gets too hard so I feel ignored/forgotten by God—give up and turn to old sin for a temporary fix—feel convicted—repent. (Repeat process.)
NOW I realized about halfway through this process, He’s not letting me give up anymore. One thing about this race is you can’t escape! You can’t get in your car and leave, you can’t turn on the tv or phone for distraction, you can’t go hang out with other friends…you have nothing but time and Jesus. I have to face my issues whether I want to or not. So I’ve come to realize that He’s changing my cycle:
Growing with God—Brings me to a new depth—Gets too hard so I feel ignored/ forgotten–*- KEEP PRESSING—Step into new freedom. (Repeat and get rid of 3rd step)
Am I writing this blog saying that I have resolved my issue of pride? No.
Do I have things figured out? No.
Am I nervous I’m going to slip back to my old comfortable, but ultimately unsatisfying ways? Yes.
But I choose to ignore how I FEEL, and to ignore the thought of what people might be thinking right now about this “missionary” not having it together by posting this blog, but again, that’s pride.
Even though I almost feel like I’m starting fresh in finding out the true heart of God and how His ways are not my ways, I know it will be worth it. I’m learning skills now that will help me forever, not just in this year. I spent years choosing to fill parts of my life with junk that God is now trying to clear out. I need to remind myself that I can’t expect an overnight fix.
It’s messy and hard and emotional and just flat out sucks at times…but it’s refining me into who God wants me to be. He’s not solving my ‘surface problems’. He’s going to the root. I am thankful that He loves me enough to not let me stay in my junk anymore and is changing my course from being on a miserable, sinful cycle to a freeing path that leads towards a more fulfilling life. That’s truly what He wants for all of us.
