So here I finally am….after 11 months of daydreaming, wishing, praying, and hoping, I am finally "home." Although my definition of "home" has dramatically changed, I am back where God has called me to be. And here I am back where I started…lying on the floor where I was at the beginning of this journey. Wondering why in the world God put me here, but always knowing something bigger is about to happen. These past couple weeks have opened my eyes to how God has worked in my life these past two years.
I went on a mission trip with my youth from Sharon Lutheran Church and was able to share my stories with my family, friends, and supporters at an event. I started realizing that everything was coming full circle for me. Two years ago I went on my first mission trip and God completely broke everything I ever knew. He shattered my life and my heart and started to rebuild me in His image. Some of you might be wondering what that means or what that looks like.
The youth on our Mission Trip to Colorado
Me sharing my love stories form the World Race at Sharon Lutheran Church in Grand Forks
Basically, my faith was luke warm. I knew I believed in something two years ago, but I wasn’t ready to defend what that was. While on my first mission trip I found out two devastating pieces of news from my family and feel to my knees with tear stained cheeks begging for a better way. I cried out for God to change the mess that was caused and I didn’t care how. Little did I know that same week He was planting a mustard seed for the World Race deep in my heart. I tried to fight it, I tried to deny it, I tried to disobey…it didn’t work. Fast forward through the race to now.
God was at work in so many ways on this trip to Colorado. He took me on a journey to remind me of who I used to be, broken, depressed, unloved, unsure, unknown…
He brought youth and other people that were struggling with things similar to what I had struggled with. He gave me the words to minister to them. He helped me use my story as an instrument to guide those in need.
Then, He brought me to Becca and Meg from Youthworks. Two years ago on my first mission trip, I met Caylynn who had planned on going on the World Race. Through the brokenness on that trip God sent me her to introduce the World Race to me. Now two years later on this trip I got to share my experiences while Becca and Meg listened with eager ears to my stories. Little did I know, Becca had been feeling called to go on the World Race even before I got there.
He also brought me Amanda, my teammate for 8 months on the World Race. I got to see her for only a few moments on our way home. As we sat and shared our stories from the Race with some of the girls who listened eagerly, I thought, “SO it really did happen…The World Race, wasn’t just a dream.”
Now, if you have been keeping up with my blogs you have noticed a shift taking place. I came on the Race broken and slowly was starting to gain a new perspective and a new heart and that was something I couldn’t hide. The more I obeyed the call God had placed in my heart, the more He shaped and molded me. The more I asked, the more He gave. When times where hard I had to remember, “I asked for this….I asked for this change in my life, I asked God to make a change.” I didn’t anticipate it to be as difficult as it was.
Since being home, if I am being completely honest, the transition has been difficult for me in unexpected ways. God has this funny way of shaking my life around like a snow globe. He shakes it up and down and all around, carefully making sure snow touches everything inside. Then he sits back and watches it awestruck at the graceful way the snow falls to the bottom. And I bet at the end of everyday, after He has watched our lives being shaken up, He thinks, "wow that is truly something beautiful…"
However, right now I am right in the eye of the snow storm. Wondering what God is going to do next. Wondering how God is going to provide for me. Wondering why it is so hard to believe in Him while I am in the comforts of my home.
Being home has made me realize with every part of me, that we (as Americans) truly do have it all wrong. I know many of you would argue with me (and already have), but I truly believe that.
I wonder what it would be like to have to rely on God day in and day out. I wonder what it is like to be have to pray on your knees for your next meal. I wonder what it is like to know that your future will be a black hole, because you will be sold into sex slavery. I wonder what it is like to not know what comes next. I wonder what it is like to stand with your arms outstretched praising Him so hungry and desperate for Jesus, because that is literally all you have along with $1 in your pocket. I wonder what it is like to have to turn to a Papa that isn't physical, because yours was killed unexplainably in a war fought for all the wrong reasons. I wonder what it feels like to drown in the love of someone we can't see, allowing Him to be at the center of who we are. I wonder what it's like to have everyone around you be in the same spot you are, so instead of worshipping alone you worship together as a loving community. I wonder what it's like to sleep in the same small foam matt with my family of 7. I wonder what it's like not knowing
I wonder what that's like…
So as I struggle through this journey of continuing to follow God’s call, I will continue to wonder and continue to ask questions. I know now that the World Race was placed on my heart for unexplainable reasons and reasons that have already revealed themselves. I pray that God continues to shake my life like a snow globe and that the Race wasn’t the most life-changing thing that happens to me, but that it was just the start of something beautiful. I truly believe there is more to life now.
So I pray for my future. I pray that I have a way of paying off my student loans and don’t drown in debt for the rest of my life. I pray that I am able to continue working where God places me. I pray for those that come across my way that are broken or whole, hurting or happy, seeking or finding, questioning or wondering. I pray that God uses me as an instrument of his love to share my stories and experiences with others.
God has answered many of my prayers in ways that I never expected. He brought my earthly father back to my family and transformed his heart. He took the hearts of my family and stitched them together like a beautiful quilt. He has helped me use my experiences to make connections with the youth at my job. He made sure that nothing I did was in vein on the Race. He took my brokenness and made it into something beautiful. He completely transformed the way I look at relationships and marriage, realizing it is more than I could I have ever imagined. He has called upon me His daughter, to love more fully and completely. He has called me to be the best version of myself and that is all I could really ask for from this year…So thank you again to all of you who have been a part of this journey…it is far from over! Thank you to my friends, my family, my supporters. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for those of you whom I have never met or who are silent supporters…to all of you,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3
What's next?? Currently I am back as a High School Ministries Associate at Sharon Lutheran Church part time and making jewelry! Also, I have been incredibly blessed to be able to put on the 2nd Annual Diva Dash (proceeds will be donated to Sarah's Covenant Home in India and to Sharon's 2014 trip to Ethiopia!)
As I reflect on this year, I am overwhelmed with gratitude! The Lord has provided an amazing experience for me and lessons that will continue to impact me for the rest of my life. However, along with an 11 month long mission trip came the reality of not having had a stable income for that time. It has been a learning experience to trust God to provide as well as realize what 11 months without an income means for my finances. While I do trust God to watch over me and provide I am also realizing that I must humble myself in front of God and all of you and ask for help.
I am so blessed by my family, friends, this community, and the congregation of Sharon that I do not want to simply as for personal help as much as I also want to advocate for the needs of others.
So please contact me if you would like to donate to Sarah's Covenant Home, Sharon Lutheran's 2014 Trip to Ethiopia, or to my student loans fund.
God Bless <3
Here is a link to check out my jewelry: https://www.etsy.com/shop/MadethiswithLOVE
Here is a link to sign up for the Diva Dash: http://ww.active.com/running/grand-forks-nd/diva-dash-5k-10k-fun-run-walk-and-shopping-event-2013
"Hey now, this is my desire…Consume me like a fire…'Cause I just want…Something beautiful to touch me…I know that I'm in reach
..Cause I am down on my knees…And waiting for…Something beautiful…. Oh-oh… something beautiful."
-Something Beautiful by Needtobreathe
