A human. A feeler. A child of God. An individual. A price. An object. A child. A Symbol. An Adult. You and Me.
Ive shut my computer a few times and walked away from this because I am not sure how to word it, I don’t think this blog could give you a glimpse of what I am feeling but I hope it does.
It my last blog I mentioned how I am desperately seeking God, and how this time of the race is very hard for me, I can’t do it alone and my heart hurts. Many of you may be wondering how or why it hurts, and may not even understand how it could hurt, that’s just silly. Well even before the race I had a heart for the nations, but I would pray for God to break my heart for what breaks His. I am not saying be careful what you pray, but be aware of what you are praying and what it could do to you.
This isn’t the sad boyfriend girlfriend broke up kind of hurt, or you got in a fight with your best friends, the hurt where your feelings are hurt, or someone lied to you, it hurts worse than being betrayed. This hurt is reality; it will scar you and your heart.
I feel like the training wheels are coming off, God is opening my eyes to reality. He is showing me that easy places like Central America where people have more than most, and the Philippines even though there is much hurt and darkness there is light, its beautiful the hope that is here and what is happening. However in a week I am leaving this glorious dream spot, I will be heading to Thailand and Cambodia and east Africa. I am going into darkness!
God brought me to my knees in tears, and I know that this is happening now so he can strengthen my heart for when I am exposed to starving children, children dying, adults with HIV, adults not even living to the age of 35 because HIV, children soldiers, witch craft right behind my tent, and sex trafficking child and adult. The thought of all this makes me want to get sick, it is hard, it hurts, it is reality. And it is about to get ugly, I will be walking in darkness being a light.
Next month I am heading to Thailand, not sure what I am doing, but I am going into a territory where prostitution is legal, woman and men will sell themselves to make money, these people will never see their clients again, they are viewed as just an object. They are like you and me, but they were brought up being told prostitution is good, children are sent out to make money, adults are sent to bars to make a living, and these people are left with daily scars. They are used, abused, and left, ready for the next girl or guy who will buy them for that time. These people are children of God, these people want to be loved, they want to know love, they need someone to comfort them, and take care of them. They were raised to think this is the only way, this is the only job, this is the life everyone wants. They’re human, they aren’t objects!
I have no idea what the next seven months will look like, it could very well look just like past months, but God is breaking my heart for the lost, the hurt, the lonely, the confused, the hungry, the sick, and the people who are just like you and me but might be less fortunate. He is breaking my heart for the nations, He is breaking it for where I will be walking into!!!
I am incredibly blessed, yeah it hurts what I am going to be exposed to, I could hold a dying child in my arms, I could see people starving, or woman living in lies. I will see hurt, I will see pain, but I will see hope. God is HUGE and he sees what is going on, as I write this he is looking into the kids eyes in Africa, or the lady trapped in a room having sex with hundreds of people a day, saying Stephani is coming.
God has given me a heart of sympathy, he has broken my heart for what I am going to see, he has broken my heart for what breaks his, I feel like explaining my heart and this pain I have is so hard, its like words cannot describe it.
Am I ready you ask; it won’t be easy, this is only the beginning, can you handle this? Yes God will give me strength, I will walk with Him, these people are searching for love and hope, they’re seeking truth and I am ready to bring it. I will struggle, but I know that I can make it. I will cry, but I will have strength from our Lord, I will walk in faith, listening to God and always getting help from him, I will walk boldly and with courage, I will try to walk as Jesus did and in love with hope.
Are you ready to join me? I need your prayers!
