“Stand up if you’ve ever wanted your life to end”
A little while ago my little brother asked me why I decided to change my life around. Why I suddenly stopped doing certain things and started going to church again. I simply said I felt like my life had no meaning and I hated myself/the life I was living. But it’s more than that.
What I didn’t tell him was I wanted my life to end. Forever. Gone. No more. There have been many times in my life that I have felt this. Times when I truly felt like the world would be better off without me in it. Times when I felt like I couldn’t even stand to get out of bed and fake that smile for one more day. Times where I didn’t feel worth it.
I’ve never physically harmed myself nor do I ever think I could actually go through with ending my life, but I would mentally harm myself. I used to sit up for hours at night verbally abusing myself and telling myself to cut or end things. One night I even paced back and forth, knife in hand telling myself to do it and then calling myself names when I was too afraid. Some days, weeks, or even months would go by where I thought everything was okay, but then something would happen. I would revert back to my old ways. About a year ago was when it was at an all-time high.
Looking back, it seems strange. I had just returned home from a four month trip where I spent 90% of it volunteering and meeting amazing people from all over the world. The other time was spent traveling alone and seeing what I was made of. I had seen more of the world so many people around me may never see. I had just moved back home, which I have wanted to do for so long, after seven years of being in New York. I should have been the happiest person in the room, wouldn’t you think?
Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. When I moved home I bottled up all the shame I had previously had and all my secrets that were kept hidden for years. I had allowed them to eat away at me until I felt like I had nothing left to offer. I didn’t have friends at home so it was easy for me to attack myself daily with how bad I thought of myself. I would go on walks and think what if I just ended it right here, right now?
So I wanted my life to end. I didn’t want to feel this pain I had inside my chest that was just scratching at me every single day. I thought about it countless times and I would be lying if I didn’t say every once in a while a thought like this would cross my mind. It wasn’t until one day I said enough was enough. I had already given my life to God, but I still didn’t realize how his love could overpower this unbelievable amount of hurt and shame I had in my heart. I have been learning that even if no one else in the world, even myself, cared if I was alive or not, my life is worth it in Gods eyes. That to me is enough.
So what am I worth?
“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved”
~Ephesians 2:4-5~
Jesus died on the cross for people just like me. He knew then that someday I would need Him. He sacrificed His own life for me knowing I was going to fail every day. I will never truly understand it, but I am so grateful for the grace and love He shows me DAILY. He believes my life is worth it even after everything I have done, will do, or think about doing.
My worth in God is what is saving my life.
Reminding myself daily of this makes me stronger. It makes me happier. And it also reminds me to show this same grace, love, and forgiveness to everyone around me.
I will no longer be someone who is envious of someone else’s life for their possessions, relationships, or happiness. Instead I’ll praise them. God is blessing people in my life and I should feel nothing but pride (the good kind). He’s doing amazing things in my life as well. I strive to show people and myself the love Jesus Christ shows me and make sure everyone knows their worth in Him.
