The end of Cambodia became a battle for me. I felt my relationship with the Lord slowly slipping and questioning what else He had for me on this race. We were in our last night of our Leadership Development Weekend when our worship team began singing the verse “I lay it all down, I lay it down to you my King.” At first I thought, “I don’t have anything.” But of course, God reminded me that I in fact had a few things I was not only avoiding but also not coming to Him about.
The day before this we did a feedback session with our team. We shared strengths for each other and things we needed to “work on.” It didn’t come as a surprise to me when the main thing I needed to work on was not being distant after I am vulnerable. This is something I have been struggling with my whole life. I have no problem sharing my story. My problem is I detach myself emotionally to others when sharing my story. I put up a wall that blocks me and anyone else who is listening. The thing about this walls is, with them up I don’t allow anyone to ever really know me and in turn, love me. I figured if they can’t love me they can’t hurt me.
I have done this with just about every relationship I have ever been in. Whether it is with a boy, a friendship and even family. This has made it quite difficult to be close with anyone on the race. How was I supposed to make long lasting relationships, when I am never truly allowing others inside my circle?
Something I have also been struggling with is loving myself and allowing God to love me. Even though I never truly let anyone in, I crave love and to be loved in return. Weird I know. I had wanted and chased after this love that the world classifies as worthy. I wanted something physical and attainable. I wasn’t running after Jesus’ love.
Knowing ALL of this, I finally sat with the Lord and asked Him the big question. WHY? Why do I have these walls up and why am I looking to others to fill this hole called “love” in my heart instead of allowing Him to fill it?
It took me a while to do this because I was afraid. I was afraid of what the Lord would tell me and afraid I would have to eventually break this wall down. This has been my armor for so long. Once it came crashing down I had no excuse to run anymore.
He showed me that my definition of love was flawed and was built on a foundation of lies. When I think about love in my life I think of is as being destroyed by hurt, pain and how it was ruined by being sexually active. Even with my family and friends back at home, although I love them and they love me, I feel like I don’t have a true relationship with many of them. Nor do they with me. I never allowed it. Its a very closed off relationship that doesn’t scratch beyond surface level conversations. I was always in control of how deep I wanted a relationship to go.
I read 1 John 4:18 and it says “There is NO FEAR in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involved torment.”
That is what I had been doing. I have been letting fear torment me and cripple me from experiencing what love truly is. I had been living with this paralyzing fear of getting hurt, not being truly loved for who I am, and many other lies I was telling myself. I The deep corners of my mind kept getting darker and darker. It was time to let the Light in.
The first step I needed to take was to redefine what love actually is. I needed to allow Him to love me the way He was created to. I needed to see His love for others and learn from it. Most importantly, I need to love myself
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I tend to do my best expressing through poetry, so here is a little something I wrote while processing
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LOVE BROKE THROUGH
Loneliness hangs over me
A sensation creeps up
I want to scream
But no sound comes out
It’s like I am in a soundproof box
Scratching to get out
Bleeding at my fingertips
Desperate for someone to hear me
But really I haven’t moved
I just sit there
Content in my misery
No one can hurt me here
Fear has taken over
Overwhelming my every move
Feeding me lie after lie after lie
Keeping me at a distant
To love or be loved is just an illusion
Because what is love really?
Love is manipulative.
LIE.
Love is destructive.
LIE.?
Love is only physical.
LIE.
Love is temporary.
LIE.
These are the lies of the enemy
These are the lies that have controlled my thoughts day after day
Torturing my every move while I hid in the corner
———
NO MORE.
No more will I allow this to control me
Today I rise up
A new foundation has been laid
And that corner is no longer my home
My distortion of love has been rewritten
With the help of our Father
I choose His love
His perfect, unfailing love that brings me freedom
I choose community
Messy, unpredictable love that fills my soul
I choose myself
Imperfect, and inevitably flawed love that gives me hope
Love.
Broke.
Through.
Thank, God.
.
