I cant remember the first time I had a suicidal thought but I can tell you the last time I did.
Last week.
Sometimes it comes out of nowhere. A teammate will say something to me and in my mind I will twist it. These little voices start to whisper lies to me saying, “She doesn’t like you. Did you hear her tone. Why do you even try. Why are you even alive?” Thats all it takes for me to question “Why am I alive?” Then I irrationally go into thinking “would anyone even miss me? Do my dreams even matter? Does God even care that I struggle with this”
For the next however many minutes my head is torturing me with these thoughts. How can I be living this “amazing” life and still feel hollow sometimes?
I’ve come to the conclusion that until I finally ask God to take away these irrational thoughts about suicide, I will always have them. I will never act on them, but it doesn’t stop them from trying.
Yes. I live this amazing, incredible life that God has given me. In this season of my life I get to travel the world and see different cultures. But like everyone else in life, I normally only post the good days. The days where we want our friends and family back home to think that everything is going perfect. We don’t post the days where the kids threw fits all day, the lack of sleep, or when we miss our moms. I may be in a different country and I may be a Christian, but I am still a human being. I still struggle will all the anxieties and hard life situations as many others.
A few days ago something hard happened in my life. It then led me to a few more days of processing how I felt about it and how it related so very much to my life. Then I began to write…
~~~
Wake Up to Life
Suicidal thoughts hoover over my head
like a thick black cloud that wont stop raining
CLAP CLAP CLAP
Goes the thunder
one more obstacle in life trying to pull me under
I’m tired of the rain and the thunder
Tired of the thought of death making me wonder
I take my final breath
its finished
its over.
No more demons crowding my thoughts
No more emotions twisting in knots
Suicidal thoughts hoover over my head
like a thick black cloud that wont stop raining
CLAP CLAP CLAP
Goes the thunder
one more obstacle in life trying to pull me under
I’m tired of the rain and the thunder
Tired of the thought of death making me wonder
When suicide wins
it TAKES my life.
No re-dos or second chances
Everything that I thought I could live without
is left behind as I leave this world
Am I really ready to die?
Suicidal thoughts hoover over my head
like a thick black cloud that wont stop raining
CLAP CLAP CLAP
Goes the thunder
All of Gods plans for me going under
My hopes?
My dreams?
My family?
Day after day the demons grows louder
Distorting words and emotions inside my head.
Why am I still alive?
Suicidal thoughts hoover over my head
like a thick black cloud that wont stop raining
CLAP CLAP CLAP
Goes the thunder
one more obstacle in life trying to pull me under
I have decided to embrace the rain and the thunder
Allowing the thought of life to win me over
Some days aren’t easy
Some are down right hard
but joy and love outweigh those that are scarred
My family will have no fear
My hopes and dreams will fall into place
God will extend out His grace
Everyday I find the strength to keep on living
Because life is worth waking up to
~~~
I have slowly been asking God to take away these feelings. I don’t want this little voice inside my head trying to take away this beautiful amazing life God has planned for me. Its time to shut this voice out.
To my friends/family/reader of my blog: If you are struggling with this situation, I encourage you to do something about it. Whether it is praying, writing, or simply talking to someone else about it. Life will not “just get better” we need to make it better. I hope you find the strength to keep on living and quiet the voice inside your head.
My heart pours out to anyone who struggles with this as much as I have.
I am not alone. You are not alone.
