Last night I cried myself to sleep for the first time on the race.
I wasn’t missing the comforts of home. I wasn’t grieving about leaving this amazing ministry. I wasn’t even crying over the things that were happening family back at home.
I was crying because I didn’t understand why I felt so numb this month.
I was struggling to stay present. My team couldn’t stop talking about how this is one of their favorite months and how this ministry/our host has been the best. They aren’t wrong.
Our ministry this month was pulled day one of being here. We found out we would not be teaching english like we had originally thought because the Thai government told our host no. Honestly, I was relieved. After having an amazing month in Laos I I wasn’t too excited about teaching english in a school. Our ministry being pulled ended up being the best thing for us.
Every day has been different. We created new projects for ourselves, we hang out with the students that our host supports and we are being completely emerged in the Thai culture around us. These students and people we are with pour out so much love it makes my heart hurt. They are kind and laugh at the simplest of things.
Then why have I felt so distant?
I feel like I have been watching this month go by while I just stand there. I watching everyone around me smile and have a good time while I stand and wallow in self pity.
BUT WHY? I had no idea.
There were things I thought were the reason, but the more I prayed and actually sat with the Lord He told me there was more. But I still didn’t know what that more was.
I started looking at blog after blog of racers who went home early. Ones who were sick and had to go home. Ones who were kicked off. And ones where they voluntarily chose to go home. I felt this overwhelming desire to go home. Not for any real reason but to BE home. I wondered did anyone else on the race feel this way?
It was not that I necessarily wanted to go home, but in a weird way I didn’t want to be here either. I wanted to be alone somewhere, someplace. I couldn’t pinpoint why I was feeling the way I was so I immediately thought i didn’t belong here. There were countless reasons I thought of when I was thinking about going home and I couldn’t think of one for why I should stay (clearly the lies inside my head were winning).
I truly felt like I was doing nothing beneficial this month and the next four months were going to be the same. My head started to become more about the places we were going then what the impact we would have on the people around us. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore. Or so I had thought.
I read a blog about a previous racer who decided to go home. Without a second thought he booked his flight home and it was the biggest regret he had ever made. I don’t want to make that mistake. He wrote in his blog about holding on for just one more day. Just one more day and then another one and another.
This is something I would tell myself when I was severely depressed. If I could just hang on for one more day, things will eventually get easier. Sometimes they would and sometimes the next day was even harder, but I held on. I knew there was going to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Now, I hold on for one more day because I know Jesus is going to be with me today, tomorrow and the day after that. Each day that I feel like giving up or feel like I am not doing anything Christ like, Jesus is there to reassure me. He is going to be there for me every step of the way.
I have learned that many racers go through this process. We are only human just like everyone else. To have a perfect eleven months would be silly. There will be months where we want to go home. Where the people around us seem like the last people we want to hang out with. But at the end of the day, God called us each here for a reason. I don’t want to mess up His plans for me by getting in the way and going home when He so clearly shows me why I need to stay.
Instead of worrying about what I am going to be doing tomorrow. Next month. Or when I get home. I am going to focus on today. Getting through today and how I can bring Christ into it. If I can get through today, I can get through tomorrow. Then I can get through the next day.
