Right now I’m at war with the enemy and I’m letting him win. In letting him control the way I feel, and instead of turning to God I turn to myself. These weeks seem to ave flown by and I haven’t quite been able to catch up emotionally. I do this thing where I shut down and thing if I try and not feel anything at all, it won’t hurt as much. In reality I feel it all. And not just a little bit, each emotion is super charged. Either pushing in all at once or spread out throughout the day. The only way I can describe it is weird. Have you ever felt so over joyed, yet so extremely sad all at the same time? Its not fun.
Today is the day I leave the comforts of my everyday life to go out in the world to share the love of God. My mission will be to lead people to salvation. Set people free. But right now, I’m feeling unprepared, overwhelmed, and honestly scared I’m not capable of the immensity of it all.
From the bottom of my soul I know this is what God wants me to do. This is not only going to strengthen my relationship with Him, but it will be an opportunity to strengthen others. I want this journey to turn into a lifestyle so that when I return I can turn it into something I will do for the rest of my life.
The biggest problem of all that I’ve been struggling with is trying to wrap my head around eleven months. My family, friends, and any others who read this only have one person who they will miss, me. However what I failed to actually realize until recently, I am just one person who will be missing, yet I have so many I’m leaving behind. I’m missing birthdays, holidays, small accomplishments/big accomplishments, weddings, engagements, births, first steps, and so many more.
This is the sacrifice I chose to make. And what I will potentially continue to make if this is truly what God calls me to do. This trip is not a glorified vacation that I’ll want to brag about later. It’s going to be raw, unpredictable, and downright difficult. My life is going to flipped upside down, probably multiple times. I signed up for hard. I’m as prepared as I can be to set out on this journey. That doesn’t mean it’s an easy emotional process to go through.
I told myself from the very beginning that I was going to be honest. No matter what, I was going to write how I felt even if that meant me not trusting God as much as I thought I did.
I’ve been reminding myself daily that I can trust him. He is the one person who has never let me down, who loves me on my worst of days, and has every single detail of my life planned out. So today, I’m going to fight the good fight. I’m going to wake up every morning while I’m gone feeling grateful for this life God has given me. The enemy will tempt me and he will try and convince me that I’m not capable or qualified enough to do this. The enemy is right, by myself I’m not qualified. But because of every single person who has prayed for me, encouraged me, loved me, or supported me in anyway they could, God has made it possible. He will equip me with all I need.
There will days where this war inside me will take a lot more courage to fight. It’ll take me putting my absolute trust into someone else. But this time, I know this person won’t let me down. Gods got my back. Always.
So, here’s to winning the war against the enemy and bringing more people on Gods side by the end of this.
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Thank you to everyone who has supported me in any way they could! Because of you I am only $1,500 away from being FULLY FUNDED! God is so good, and so are all of you. Please continue to pray as I head out to my first country, Cote d’Ivoire, this Monday! Also, please subscribe to my blog to keep up with this amazing journey I am about to embark on!
World Race, I’m ready for ya!
