“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” -Colossians 3:13
A few months ago one of my coaches was talking to us about forgiveness.
He said something that struck me to the core.
“You never truly forgive someone until you pray blessings over them.”
Last year I forgave my father. After years of being so angry at him, I gave it all to the Lord. I was able to come to a place where I could see him in public and not have all these emotions run wild.
I was able to hug him at my brothers wedding.
See him when I got to hold my nephew for the first time.
And
Talk to him at a baseball game about the World Race before I left
I no longer had the anger, but I also didn’t really have any other emotions towards him.
I prayed that he would live a good life. That he would stay out of trouble. Stay clean and sober. And be a good grandpa to my nieces and nephews.
But I had no intention of allowing him in my future on an intimate level.
I believe it is okay to forgive someone and not have them be in your life, but it’s another thing to think you forgave someone when really it hasn’t fully reached your heart.
Logically, yes. I forgave him and was able to heal from the hurt that it caused me.
But like how my stepdad Joe is when he’s fixing the house, I was a 95 percent-er. (love you Joe and sorry for throwing you under the bus right now lol)
This is a term my momma coined. She says when you walk in our house everything looks great. But when you pay close attention to the details, like the base boards, you see that there is still some work that needs to be done.
My step-dad does 95% of the work, starts a new project and forgets about the one he was already doing.
I didn’t realize until recently this is how I had forgiven my father. The Lord walked me through the process but when I thought we were done, I moved on. Little did I know it wasn’t finished and I wasn’t one hundred percent healed. I had forgiven him but I wasn’t truly praying for blessings in his life.
The other day I was lying in bed between Sunday services asking God what He wanted me to share that night. I had volunteered to give my testimony.
He had already told me earlier in the day that I needed to prepare my heart to share what happened in El Salvador. Besides sharing it in a blog and to some squad mates/my team, this would be the first time sharing it aloud. It had also only been a little over a week since it had happened. Wounds were fresh and I was nervous.
As I was lying there, I started thinking of all the lessons God had taught me since the accident. Forgiveness was the biggest lesson of all. I learned that I don’t want to go to bed at night knowing that I still had this uneasy feeling in my heart.
Then the most amazing thing ever happened that I could have never expected. I started thinking about my father.
I heard things like:
I can’t wait to invite him to my wedding.
I can’t wait for him to be the grandfather to my future children.
He may never have truly filled the father role in my life, but I believe that he could be a blessing to my future children.
It was in that moment (and when my momma reminded me later) when I realized what true forgiveness was.
“You never truly forgive someone until you pray blessings over them.”
Before I left El Salvador, I was sitting by the beach listening to the waves. I felt this overwhelming feeling to message a family member who had hurt me in the past. I knew I wasn’t fully trying to forgive them before and I knew it was wrong to keep harboring the pain. I took the first step and will continue to walk forward in it.
It is absolutely amazing what God can do to your heart. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could get to this point of forgiveness with my father.
I am constantly reminded of how much His love is for me and how much I need to reciprocate that to others. Forgiveness is far more than just saying you forgive them. Like a relationship with Jesus, I needed to have it reach my head to my heart. Until that happened I would never truly be able to forgive anyone.
In order for me to live a Christ filled life, like I am called to do, I need to follow the actions that Christ put forth.
Forgive as the Lord forgave me.
